EPISODE #3: WHO LET THE MAD DOG OUT?

The end of the first week in the Outback, and we’re seeing flashbacks ... Kel ... Debb ... Stacey Stillman? Bet Mark Burnett was expecting to see a check from some TV network sucking up to Hollywood’s hottest producer when he opened the door and got served with Stacey’s lawsuit. After laughing at her $5 million demand (probably less than his per-episode earnings -- rice and flour are cheap) and laughing even harder at her claim that Dirk would never have voted against her without coercion after she sat through his sermon (even though she looked like she was in excruciating pain the whole time), Mark gets serious when he realizes that Sean could be a key witness. “He’d say anything if she’d let him describe her underwear to Howard Stern.”

So, a call to Stacey: “Hello, Stacey? Mark Burnett. Look, I don’t know why we have to fight out a lawsuit in public. I know you said you wanted to be on my next game show. How would you like to be on “Destination: Mir”? You could go up to the Russian space station, and ... What? You heard the Russians have decided to let Mir crash-land on Earth? Believe me, Stacey, I didn’t know anything about that. Hello? Hello? She hung up. Damn.” While debating what to do next, Mark consoled himself with the knowledge that the Survivor Web sites had bought the phony “First Four” theory hook, line, and sinker. And so it’s time to spend days 7, 8, and 9 in the Ozzie Outback.

Over at Kuchi-koo, a lovefest has broken out. Everybody is behaving like the puppets on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, having a lovely day, won’t you be my neighbor? Michael wants to get very close to one of his neighbors, a wild pig. No matter that the biggest pig Michael has ever seen in person was Bill Gates; Michael is convinced that hunting pig is simple. All you have to do is find them and then “you know, just figure it out from there.” And this guy runs a software company. No wonder computers and Web sites crash right and left!

Michael isn’t the only Kucha longing for some fresh meat, but Kimmi doesn’t want the same kind that Michael does. Meanwhile, Jeff bitches to the camera about Michael’s ineptitude. Clearly Jeff saw Survivor I, but he must have missed the last few episodes. Hey, Jeff, “Gervase-X” was a hoax; Richard won, not Gervase. Change your strategy before it’s too late! Moooo.

Ogawhore isn’t doing any better. Tina discusses her longing for Doritos (oh, Tina? The show does enough product placements already without the survivors doing more. “Look for Doritos® in the Target® basket under the Reebok® umbrella next to the Bud Light®”) and for her soap operas (Earth to Tina: did you think your deep-South drawl was going to melt the crew so much that they’d give you your own TV set? And, anyway, you live in a border state. Stop trying to sound like Scarlett O’Hara already!).

After all this whining, we need a challenge. How about swimming with hungry crocodiles? No, losing contestants faster than one at a time would cost CBS too much money, even if it would bring the viewing audience a sense of relief. The Reward Challenge is for fishing supplies. Judging by the amount of effort put forth by Ogakor to find food so far, losing this challenge could cost them their lives. Please, Kucha, you can do it!

Each side picks a strong man to be the “water bearer.” Ogakor picks (no surprise) Colby. Kucha picks Michael. Michael? Why Michael? Hey Nick, buddy, wake up and do something! No wonder no graduate of Harvard Law School has been elected president since 1876.

The rest of the survivors have to carry buckets of water over some strategically ill-placed boards and load them on the other team’s water bearer; first to collapse loses. Keith and Kimmi fall into the water, but the crocodiles have been chowing down on Kel’s leftover beef jerky and are now sunning themselves next to the producer’s trailer. As the contest wears on, Maralyn calls out to Colby, “We’ll take good care of ya tonight, cowboy!” The thought of Maralyn trying to “take good care” of Colby at night causes several crew members to blow lunch. Jeff Probe finds this so distasteful that he musses up three hairs. But then Michael’s pole breaks (fill in your own phallic metaphor here), leading to doubt and uncertainty … no, wait, that’s the people at NBC trying to figure out the best way to stop the Survivor juggernaut after it rolled over “Friends” for the second straight week.

Imagine this: a reward challenge for the most valuable item offered so far – fishing supplies – and the equipment breaks! As a substitute, Mark Burnett devises a new challenge: whichever side can fill his pockets with the most money in five minutes gets the supplies AND an option on his next show. Kucha loses, and Michael proves that Al Gore wasn’t the only sore loser floating around in the fall of 2000.

With the prospect of fish for dinner, Ogakor actually stops whining for a few minutes, just long enough for Jerri to tell Keith not to "waste" flour on the fish before frying them. She explains that she needs the flour to roll in with Colby on the night before she votes him off the Outback. Keith cooks the fish anyway, not realizing that Jerri’s Kids think a meal dripping in grease from Mickey D’s is a gourmet delicacy. Mitchell barely staves off the onset of whine withdrawal symptoms by telling the camera that either he or Jerri could have cooked the fish as well as Keith did. Yeah, because they probably would have used some of the flour.

Back in Kucha, Alicia and Jeff dis Kimmi and Rodger, aka “Kentucky Joe.” Eager to prove that he is as big a hick from the sticks as Tina, Kentucky Joe gives Elisabeth a heart-shaped rock to lug around for the next two months. How romantic, a rock. Liz beats him over the head with it for wasting valuable energy rock-hunting when she and the rest of Kucha are hungry. Later, Liz melts into mushiness and promises never to “spell” Rodger’s name. It is unclear whether she means she won’t vote Rodger off the island or if she just means that she is a Soozin wannabe (“um, let’s see, R-O-O-G-E-R-D, right?”).

In Ogakor, Marilyn is singing, and Colby shares with Jerri the horrible vision he had after Maralyn’s promise to “take good care” of him. Jerri rubs Colby’s back, all the while looking for the most tender spot, the perfect place for her stiletto when the time comes.

Jeff and Alicia decide to align and take out Nick and Elizabeth, who they see as the potential winners from Kucha. Michael offers to vote himself off if they’ll just tell the national TV audience that they are afraid of him too, but they refuse. Sulking, Michael goes off to write some more code riddled with bugs. Jeff and Alicia go on to dis both Nick (“insufficient grasp of the finer points of the Erie doctrine; what are they teaching at Harvard Law these days?”) and Liz. This completes the “grand slam” of dissing, as Jeff and Alicia have now dissed all five of their teammates this episode, and Jeff Probe pops up to award them gift certificates for free Grand Slam® breakfasts. No Doritos, though.

It rains. Tina gets wet. Tina whines. Yawn. Tina, did you ever hear of the theory that the person who gets the most face time in one episode is voted off in the next one? It worked pretty well last time. You’re history, honey!

The Immunity Challenge is a team obstacle course. Everyone is tethered together. What a treat: being tethered up close and personal with Rodger and Maralyn. For some reason, these two misunderstand the nature of the challenge and think that sand-eating is a key component. They drag their entire teams down several time to partake. Mitchell decides that the sand tastes better than Keith’s fish. Kimmi thinks sand makes a good vegetarian snack if she just had some roughage and a few worms to help it go down. Ultimately, Kucha does a better job of dragging Rodger along than Ogakor minus Kel can do with Maralyn, and Kucha wins its second straight IC. Elisabeth and Jeff celebrate, Amber makes a cameo appearance to cry, and Mitchell wishes that the Ogawhores had voted Maralyn off instead of Kel. That's team spirit, baby!

Keith decides to enlist Colby in an alliance against Mitch. Colby, who never learned in elementary school that nobody likes a squealer, immediately tells Mitch. Colby tells the rest of Jerri’s Kids that Mad Dog is old and she’ll understand if they put her to sleep. Yeah, sure. What is he, a vet? We all know what’s really motivating Colby: the image of Maralyn promising to “take good care of you tonight.” Aaayyyyyiiiii!

Time for Tribal Council. Jerri tells the tribe that her friends in the tribe are Colby, Mitch and Amber. Bet this makes Tina feel secure. Mad Dog discusses her bonding with Tina, whom she describes as “a constellation,” and also talks about her respect for Colby. Tina and Colby promptly show how much they reciprocate those feelings by voting Maralyn off. Tina gives a touching speech explaining how she didn’t want to vote for Maralyn but had to due to a promise she made (to whom? Herself? God? Jerri? Mark Burnett? Tina, spill your guts, babe, Stacey Spillman wants to know!).

Jeff Probe counts the votes. Maralyn votes for Jerri. America cheers. Keith votes for Mitchell. Everyone else votes for Maralyn. Jeff puts out her torch, and then Survivor II puts out the torches for Ross and Rachel. Then Michael sneaks up behind Phoebe ... or maybe that’s Porky Pig … tune in next time to see Michael paint himself in blood! Anyone for a remake of “Lord of the Flies”?

Next week: The majority of both tribes continue to act like they never saw Survivor I. Mark Burnett continues to leak tantalizing half-clues of ambiguous meaning. To prove that she’s as tough as anyone on Survivor II and could have been a winner, Stacey slaughters and butchers a pig using nothing more than a toothpick and her teeth. And in her honor, CBS starts sandwiching each show with lawyer jokes, beginning with “Do you know the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance.” and ending with “Why are lawyers like assholes? Everybody’s got one, and all they ever give you is @#%$.”