SURVIVOR II EPISODE SUMMARIES
Episode 5 Summary - By 'shakes the clown' EPISODE #5: WHAT'S THAT SMELL? SAME SHOW, DIFFERENT ISLAND Previously on Survivor.......Jenna and Kelly plotted to take down Rich as the Tagi alliance continued to steamroll through the naive Pagongs...last week’s victim was the likeable Gretchen. Further, Kelly showed indications of duplicity as she made a deal with Susan to bond together and take down Rich in the end. Joel correctly assessed that women were about as stupid as cows and Sonja’s decomposed and bloated corpse was pulled from the rocky coral reef’s off of Borneo’s coast ending what had been a fruitless 2 week search. Sorry, maybe I’m going a little overboard, but I swear to god this is the same exact show as last time, just with better looking people (Bitchell & Debb excluded of course). The challenges are the same, the drama is the same, even the god damned chickens looked familiar. Well, the commercials are over so I might as well start paying attention to this crap. DAY 13, Friday the 13th Ogawhore. The Colbster woke up to the sound of screaming. As he shook himself out of a daze he realized that the screaming was his own....he’d had the dreams again. Only this time it didn’t FEEL like a dream...no, this time it felt very real, very real indeed. It was then that he noticed a lack of movement in the tent, which wouldn’t have been weird except for the fact that he wasn’t alone...no, he knew that the rest of his tribe was sleeping in the same tent...but, why hadn’t they risen when he was screaming, why did they continue to doze??? It was then that he remembered the dream, the pure reality of it and most of all, the horror. As he shivered in nervous anticipation, he rolled over and faced his nearest tribemate, the young and lovely Lamber. He closed his eyes and slowly turned his head until he sensed that his face was no more than 5 inches from Lamber’s face....he counted to 3 in his head (which took him about 4 tries) and then he opened his eyes...and saw exactlty what he feared he would.......his gaze was met directly by Lamber’s wide eyed stare, only as he looked into her eyes they were empty and they were cold (like always).....he reached to touch her and as he did her lifeless head rolled off of her shoulders, spinning aimlessly along the floor until it came to rest in the corner of the tent. The Colbster looked up and saw the blood...how could he miss it, it was everywhere...soaked through the floor of the tent, dripping from the ripped doorway, and smudged in the shape of desperate hand prints across the sun-soaked walls, mixing with the bright morning sun rays to make everything in the tent appear orange. The Colbster didn’t need to look at a calender to know what the date was....he knew.....it was Friday the 13th and he had gone and done it again.................... Okay, I’ll stop fuccking around and get on with the summary...where was I, oh yeah, the beginning. DAY 13 Ogawhore.... The fires continue to inch closer and closer to Ogawhore.....looks like Hell misses its fearless leader and is trying to get back to her...meanwhile, Scarri acknowledges that her voting alliance is deader than JFK Jr. Scarri and Lamber sit together in the sand and ask each other who the other thinks is cuter, Colbster or KKK.....check the “yes” box if you think he’ll sit next to me on the bus when we go on the field trip. Lamber does an interview and continues her “vapid comment” streak. Scarri tries one last time to convince the Colbster to join her alliance. Using the “Scarri-Decoder” that I just bought at Best Buy I am able to tell you exactly what she is really saying. It’s simple, you take the “Scarri-Decoder” and plug it in to the back of your TV like so........and then you just turn it on and it works...here, allow me to demonstrate.... Says Scarri: “I’m not harboring any ill feeling at all about the deal” Scarri-Decoder: “Even though its obvious that you don’t give a fucck what I think, may I please still shove my tongue up your ass” Says Scarri: “We still are more powerful if the 3 of us are voting the same.” Scarri-Decoder: “I know that if you team up with KKK and Benedict Tina, I’m completely screwed.” Says Scarri: “I mean its basically the end of any alliance pretty much.” Scarri-Decoder: “I’m Fuccked!” Now, on to the Kucha’s..... They’re cold so they move the fire....for some reason, Mark Burnett deems this a strong enough story line to dedicate 10 minutes to it....I disagree, so I’ll skip it, thank you. Chicken-killin Time!!!! Kimmi’s decided that the livelihood and well-being of 3 chickens is more important than winning $1,000,000 so she goes ahead and commits “survivor-suicide”. In an interview, Psycho-Michael lets us know how stupid she is in case we couldn’t figure it out by ourselves. Kentucky Joe gives a speech about how much he loves killing animals and then it’s eatin time. Really exciting, trust me. Back to Ogawhore where Lamber lets us know that eating more food is more better than eating less food. Thanks. Scarri, who apparently can’t turn off the “bitch” switch, is giving ##### to KKK about the fish guts. Scarri thinks that the reason they are not catching fish is because they are dumping about 1 ½ pounds of fish guts in the river, thus giving the fishies an alternative source of food. This coming from the genius who brought us “Flour + Water = Bread” Let’s plug in the Scarri-Decoder one more time for another Scarri/ Lamber canoeing trip... Scarri says: “Were literally feeding the fish...its no wonder we haven’t been able to catch anything, they’re all full.” Scarri-Decoder: “I’m a stupid bitch. I’m a stupid bitch. I’m a stupid bitch.” KKK goes ahead and does what she says content in the knowledge that she is one Tribal Council away from being out on her ass. Oh, I can’t wait!!! Back to Kucha and the main event... In this corner, weighing in at a svelte, steroid enhanced 125 lbs, straight from the mean streets of uptown Manhattan, the woman who puts the “bitch” in “bitch slap”....Chocolat Chyna. And in this corner, weighing in at least 50 lbs just above her neck, plus an additional 20 lbs that can be attributed to being covered in a layer of pure, raw sewage, from Long Island New Yawwk, the woman who puts the “Y” in “Why the hell did you even try out for this show you stupid bitch?”.........Smelli. The much anticipated brawl is about as hard fought as Tyson-Golota.....a lot of stupid yelling about the chickens and then Chocolat gets all “ghetto” on her ass, and Smelli whines until Chocolat gets so annoyed that she walks until she can no longer hear Smelli’s annoying voice (estimated to be appx. 54.3 miles) Chocolat says in an interview, “I don’t really appreciate her to begin with....for me to try and walk away from the situation and for her not to let me do that, made me want to just run up and grab her by the throat, but I had to keep my wits about me, cause that’s not what this is all about.” What are you trying to say? That Survivor’s not “all about” assault and battery??? Please tell me what is? Besides the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, of course. Vermin runs over and slaps Chocoalt around for getting into it with Smelli....she’s gonna ruin his master plan and that would force him to slit her throat sooner than he would like..hahahahahahaha (evil grin). Says Smelli, “I will not be treated like a jerk-off.” Well, if it smells like it, looks like it, and tastes like it, guess what Smelli, hate to break the news to you, but you’re a jerk-off. No wonder why she’s so into masturbating...I can’t imagine any guy who would be willing to date her, let alone spend even one, single night with her...even with the promise of sex...she is THAT annoying. Meanwhile, Chyna won’t shut up about this crap...jesus, man-wannabe would you let it die already? DAY 14 Kucha Kamp... Good news is they’re done talking about chickens...bad news is that they’re still talking about the stupid fire...wow, great show you got here Burnett, talk about drama. Now we find out that Smelli hasn’t taken a bath since she got here 14 days ago....the water here is gross...its food and bathroom to fish and crocodiles and birds and I just find it to be incredibly gross.” Allow me to ask the question that is plaguing all of us right about now...WHY THE FUCCK DID YOU EVEN TRY OUT FOR THIS SHOW??!!??!? Damn, the lengths people will go to in order to become media=whores. Psycho-Michael jumps in to let America know that Smelli is a slob and that, whereas most girls have a tan line, Smelli has a “dirt line”. Smelli tries to blame in the fact that she was carrying tree branches, but Psycho-Michael passed out from the odor before she could say anything. Tree mail shows up for the Reward Challenge. It’s the same “build a stretcher” challenge from the last series....very exciting. Each tribe gets to choose two luxury items from a catalogue as prizes should they win the challenge.....of course, as we have all learned by now, the team that wins in the team that is shown preparing for the challenge so we immediately know that Kucha will win this challenge since we see them preparing and going “shopping” through the catalogue. MB must sense his mistake cause he shows us a little of Ogawhore building their stretcher....of course, this means a chance for Scarri to annoy everyone with her bossy ways...can’t this bitch take a hint, IT’S OVER, you blew it, your alliance crumbled and you’ll be gone very very soon. She’s even dumb enough to start ##### with the Colbster, the guy who controls the next vote...that’s smart politicking. Colbster, BT and KKK take turns taking “time outs’ down by the river to cool off from dealing with Scarri. REWARD CHALLENGE Jiffy Probe talks...blah blah blah. This was really stupid and boring, but here’s what happened. Pagong edged out a narrow victory over Tagi and wins a box filled with blankets and spices, plus the spices and soup mix that Tagi requested. Pagong feels bad for Kucha and donates their winnings to the Kucha tribe...Lamber cries when she realizes that it’s NO SOUP FOR HER. Says little Lamber, “I’m so tired of losing.” Really, well maybe you should of thought of that before you sold your soul to Satan, voted off Kel and basically ruined your tribe. Cry on that one for a while you dumb bitch. DAY 15 Ogawhore..... Everyone is tired of losing. Colbster starts talking in the 3rd person and Benedict Tina the Tennessee Hick even tries using some dime-store psychology to describe why everyone in her tribe is starting to resemble Valerie from Temptation Island. Meanwhile across town, Vermin is quite happy at the prospect of kicking Ogawhore’s collective ass, “I’m ready to chop their heads off and their eyeballs out so Mike can eat them.” As the tribe ponders over the spoils from their RC victory, Lizliz lets ups know the true depth of her resourcefulness, “Oh my god Shampoo, that doubles as soap.” Psycho-Michael uses the knife to coerce Smelli into going into the water to finally bathe her skank self. Mail arrives at Ogawhore, which let’s the astute viewer know that Ogawhore will win the upcoming Immunity Challenge...MB is getting quite predictable. Lamber reads the poem which mentions that they will be “rats in a maze”......Ms. “Flour + Water = Bread” is able to figure out that the challenge is most likely “a maze”. And then Lamber jumps into her Tony Robbins impersonation and starts blah blah blahing about some crap about not doubting your heart and all that other useless crap.......I’m starting to believe that cotton candy has more substance than this girl. IMMUNITY CHALLENGE Human maze, find 5 totem polls and remove 5 idols, leave maze and grab immunity idol off table. Who cares? The only thing cool about this IC was the helicopter camera angle that gave the proper visual perspective of the “rats” scurrying through the maze. Blah blah blah, Ogawhore wins and Lamber says something typically vapid about crying “tears of joy”. What is this girl gonna do in 10 years when she is no longer “eye candy” enough to maintain her career as an administrative assistant? And now on to the best part of the show, the 10 minutes before Tribal Council where Burnett edits it to make it look like someone is getting the boot, and then we find out it was someone else the whole time. I’ll save you the trouble cause this one was especially ridiculous and misleading. Burnett makes it look like Alicia is getting the boot, and then Smelli votes for Vermin b/c “I heard other people were voting for Jeff”....so were expecting a close vote b/w Smelli, Alicia and Jeff....so what’s it gonna be, another tie???? No, turns out Burnett was just making ##### up as usual cause Smelli lost 6-1....now hit the showers.....PLEASE! Next week on Survivor..........someone dies (thank you), someone cries, someone probably lies...what else is new?