SURVIVOR II EPISODE SUMMARIES
Episode 9 Summary - By 'shakes the clown' EPISODE #9: CHOCOLATE BROWNIES AND OTHER JUST DESSERTS As the dust finally settled on top of the waterfall that has become this season’s home for Tribal Council one thing was becoming abundantly clear to her...something had gone very very wrong....and someone wasn’t telling the truth. As she sat there, crumpled against the base of her stump, her head dropped lifelessly into her lap and her concealed whimpers were barely audible over the soothing rumble of the Herbert River’s distant rapids. But now was not the time for crying, no, now was the time to be strong. So, mustering up all the remaining courage in her body, Lil’ Lamber, her Shepard gone forever, raised her head and opened her eyes to a sight that will haunt her for the rest of her life......they were all there, all six of them....... And they were laughing. ********* THREE DAYS PRIOR********* DAY 25 “The rainy season is upon us”, Lizliz tells the tribe at breakfast, and evidence seems to support her as we see rain soaked tribe members gathered around the dripping remains of what was once a proud and roaring campfire. Kant-Kook-Keith, ever the worker bee, starts to rebuild the fire while arch-rival Scerri lounges in the tent, mocking KKK, “I’m feeling kind of drained and lazy right now so I’m sleeping in.” But, that plan only lasts so long as Lamber still needs to be taken for her morning walk.....Scerri jumps to attention, realizing that she better take care of Lamber before she has another tent-wetting accident, like the one she had when she got too excited barking about chocolate. Nick (pronounced “Nic”, the “K” is silent, just like him) is apparently quite sick. He has come down with a rare case of the deadly illness known as “enlarged tastebuds”. Dubbed the “Ebola of the Outback” by the aboriginal people, this crippling illness has been known to result in the following life threatening symptoms: 1. Sore throat. 2. Stuff tastes funny. 3. M&M’s no longer melt in your mouth. 4. It’s like a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited, but only the bad kids show up. Here, let’s let him explain it, “The roof of my mouth feels like it was used to cool Mike’s burning, flesh dripping hands. I have like 3 or 4 enlarged tastebuds on my tongue which is terrible.” Enlarged tastebuds?? Well, anyone out there who might’ve been confused as to whether Nick was in Law or Medical School isn’t confused anymore, that’s for sure. Okay, let’s move on.....let’s see, who’s next? Hey here comes Elijah, the Angel of Death....oh wait, that’s just Benedict Tina. (Alright let’s be honest, who out there actually thought that I would be able to slip a “Passover” joke into a summary, and so timely also) Anyway, looking at BT’s emaciated body makes it easy to understand why starving Ethiopian women never get breast implants....it just looks really awkward. Kentucky Joe tricks BT into coming down by the river’s edge with the old “help me with this fish hook” routine. As BT precariously bends over the river’s edge to reach for the snared hook, she is forced to turn her back to the trustworthy Kentucky Joe. “AH-HA”, thinks the cagey Kentuckian, “the backstabbor has become the backstabee” as he raises a thick tree branch high above his head. The camera pans away before we can see KJ deliver the fatal blow and then dispose of the body ala John Wayne Gacey/ Des Plaines River style. The Colbster explains the food situation in the Bare-a-midriff tribe, “Because we aren’t catching any fish were eating a lot more rice than we should be....rice pilaff, fried rice, red beans & rice, steamed rice, rice-a-roni, shrimp salad, shrimp cocktail, shrimp & pasta, shrimp soup, shrimp ettoufe” TREE MAIL!!! The Colbster and Lizliz go to fetch the mail... LL: “OMG <click> I knew it was gonna be something fun!” C: “Rope ladder.” LL: “OMG” <click> C: “OMG” <click> The sonnet, this time written creatively on one of those 15 foot long chain ladders that you keep under your kid’s bed, not to be used unless there’s a fire, reads like this.... We started sixteen But now we are eight Four boys four girls But none of them mate. The ratings are good But they need to get better cause Chandler caught Joey writing Mon’ a love letter. So if you do us a favor And promise to screw We’ll give a reward Made just right for you. So, the rules are that the group has to break down into boy/girl pairs to compete is some sort of race. So, everyone agrees that it would be fair if they just picked names out of a hat...well, almost everyone. “I don’t think so, I think we should pick...and I PICK COLBY. You know the whole thing is, when did this game become a game about being fair” says you-know-who. Decency prevails and they pick out of a hat whereby Mark Burn-it definitively proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no God as Scerri gets her wish and draws the Colbster. Oh, she’s gonna pay....you’re all gonna pay! Scerri washes the dishes and lets us know that, “I think its important that people are constantly reminded about the reality of our situation. There’s nothing fair about this and its about winning.” Sure, if winning is defined as “being the biggest fuccking b!tch in the history of the world”. The Colbster confers with KKK in the tent, “Scerri said well I don’t want to draw names. I just want to pick, and I was like hold on, let’s think about who the Colbster would pick. I want to win, but I don’t want to share whatever it is with her.” It’s funny, you didn’t say any of that when she made the comment and you were standing right there, now did you??? You know what Colbster, I’ve had my eye on you for a little while and guess what, I’m on to you. You’re all talk...the only thing bigger and better about this Texan is his lung capacity. The most interesting thing ever to come out his mouth was the pool of vomit he fell asleep in while passed out in a parking lot of the Circle K (courtesy of The Smoking Gun website). And now, we are proud to present after 15 years of retirement, “The Battle of the Network Stars” obstacle course. The rules are that the pairs will compete two at a time in heats, winners advance. In the finals the two winning teams must square off against not only each other, but also five time “Battle of the Networks Stars” Obstacle Course defending champ and World Record holder, SCOTT BAIO, star of such classic shows as “Happy Days”, “Joanie loves Chachi” and “Charles in Charge”.. The winning team (or Scott Baio) will be whisked away by helicopter where they will be flown to a private beach on Australia’s “wonder of the world”, the Great Wall of China, I mean Great Barrier Reef. Once there, they will be treated to a day of snorkeling, feasting and for the love of an Emmy, S-E-X. The teams break down as follows. ***Disclaimer: The following betting odds are in no way intended to be used for actual gambling purposes, such as those that can be found at WWW.ShakestheClownOnlineCasino&Loans.com TEAM Win Place Show Sex C/J $4.50 $3.75 $2.00 2 to 1 odds K/A $7.00 $5.56 $3.47 age diff screams internet N/L $8.50 $5.60 $4.90 offends Deep South demographic KJ/BT $99.79 $75.98 $45.00 Please God, NO! The first heat is Lamber and KKK vs BT and Kentucky Joe. Gratuitous slow motion breast bouncing shots dominate this heat almost as much as KKK and Lamber did. Round two is Scerri and the Colbster blowing out Lizliz and SickNick. It’s an all-ACC final as Ogawhore’s Scerri and Colbster take on Lamber and KKK, also from Ogawhore. At one point the survivors have to jump through a tire that is about 4 feet off the ground...the Colbster jumps first and then pulls Scerri through the tire by the crack of her ass and then proceeds to dump her face first into the sand. Later in the course, they have to climb an 8 Foot wall...once again the Colbster gets to the top, pulls Scerri over the top and then, ignoring her screams of protest, dumps her over the other side where she falls and lands on her back upon the hard, wet sand with a resounding thud. where she falls and lands on her back upon the hard, wet sand with a resounding thud. where she falls and lands on her back upon the hard, wet sand with a resounding thud. Sorry, but it was so good I had to watch it over and over and over again. Anyway, Scerri and the Colbster beat out KKK and Lamber as Scerri wins her second Reward Challenge in a row. B!tch! But its okay cause we all know what happens to people who win reward challenges, they usually get shown the door soon after. DAY 26 Scerri wakes up from her nap and starts to pack for her trip to the Great Barrier Reef. As she wonders where her date, the Colbster is, KKK teases her, “The Colbster left an hour ago, he tried to wake you and you said no, you didn’t want to go.” In the ultimate pot/kettle/black moment, Scerri calls him “cruel”. Then she says in an interview, “there’s got to be a little bit of animosity and jealousy from everyone else for winning two Rewards in a row. It bothers me cause I could see how that could affect other’s peoples voting, but on the other hand, I really couldn’t give a flying crap at this point,” followed by a sinister laugh. B!tch, I can’t wait to see you get what’s coming to you, and no, it’s not the Colbster. The chopper finally arrives and lands right on the Bare-a-midriff beach. The Colbster and Scerri are whisked away and as the helicopter takes off from the beach the remaining tribe members stand on the beach waving and voicing their good-byes. Lizliz, not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, screams “We love you Mike....Kucha forever!” The Chopper pilot takes the lucky couple on a fabulous whirlwind tour of the Outback. As the chopper blazes a path along the Herbert River, Scerri grabs the trigger of the side-mounted M-60 machine gun and starts firing rounds into the packs of Aboriginals they see along the way. The Colbster obviously dismayed by her actions, leans over and asks her, “How in hell can you shoot women and children?” Scerri, with a barely contained giggle, replies, “Easy, you just don’t lead them so much.” As the pilot gives them a closeup look at a raging waterfall, the Colbster turns to Scerri and quips, “Just think Scerri, we could be sitting on the beach eating rice right now.” Scerri, always the aspiring actress, laughs and warmly grasps his hand as if it was the funniest line since “take my wife.....please”. The helicopter lands at the Santa Monica pier where the two are put into a zodiac boat with the other 14 “Boot Camp” recruits. During the boat ride, the Colbster tells Scerri, “No conversation about strategy or any of the other survivors....today is just about us, baby.” The two land at the Great Barrier Reef exhibit at Sea World/San Diego where a tent filled with food and spirits awaits them. Everything a beach side meal requires is there for the eating, Duh-ree-toes, Mountain Dew, chocolate covered Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pads, more Duh-ree-toes. The pair eagerly examine their bounty..... Scerri: “Is that champagne?” Colbster: “What would I know about champagne? My idea of a sophisticated drink is when the Coors is actually below room temperature.” Scerri: “OMG” <click> Colbster: “Bottled Water” Scerri: “OMG” <click> And then we see a fast action montage of the two eating, yet it seems like in every shot they’re only eating Duh-ree-toes. Says Scerri, “We feasted for a good long time. I wondered what everyone else was doing, but I knew.” <evil laugh> Segue to Bare-a-midriff where the mood surprisingly low considering that Scerri is 100's of miles away. Says Lamber, the queen of excitement herself, “KKK and I went to get some firewood, did the daily chores, just the normal taking care of our camp type of stuff, but nothing too exciting, kind of like me.” Speaking of “nothing too exciting” there’s SickNick washing the dishes and talking about how great it would’ve been to win the reward....ah the hell with it, I was gonna make some joke about how boring he is, but the torture of actually having to watch him talk on the screen is so excruciatingly boring in its own right that I’m just gonna skip it. Back to Scerri and the Colbster who are now snorkeling and taking underwater pictures. “It was very very romantic on top of everything else. I even looked at him at one point and said, this in one hell of a first date, huh Colby?” Replied the Colbster, “I’ll say! On my ususal first date I go to a kegger at my old frat house where I went to college 5 years ago, latch on to the drunkest 19 year old girl there, wait for the Rufie to kick in, and then show her the time of her life in a stall with no door in the upstairs communal bathroom. But, this is almost as romantic, I guess.” Says Scerri in an interview, “this is basically the perfect honeymoon, without the sex.” The Colbster has a different outlook, “that couldn’t be further from the truth for me, we certainly didn’t sit around and high five....I was just looking for a little down time away from the game.” DAMN YOU, screams Burn-it from a production tent, foiled again. Scerri is not looking forward to going back to camp, “After 26 days of putting on a game face and being a tough don’t mess with me chick. I got a tender side too and I feel like a little bit of that was touched today.” Yah, you’re tender alright, in the same way a fresh gaping wound is. When the two return to the tribe it turns out that the “don’t want to think about the game” Colbster has a little trick up his sleeve. “I wish everyone could’ve come with us, but since you couldn’t I brought a little bit of the reef for you. Everybody gets their own little piece of corral,” he tells the tribe as he proceeds to pass out cute pieces of corral picked out especially for each tribe member...even BT gets an orange piece in honor of her native Tennessee. Everyone is quite happy as hugs and handshakes are exchanged, not unnoticed by Scerri who vents in an interview, “Colby’s little shell maneuver was definitely strategy on his part. In a perfect world, it would be me and him sitting up there in front of the jury and so now, because of that little maneuver, he’s got one up on me for sure.” “One up” are you kidding me, with the way you’ve acted, fricken Joseph Stalin would be about 50 up on you at this point of the game. DAY 27 Strategy time. As we see SickNick tending to the water we hear the Colbster reveal in a voice over, “Immunity is gonna determine who goes next time. We determined a long time ago that SickNick was more of threat than Lizliz and KJ, so that is why Sick Nick is gonna go before them.” Lizliz, KJ and Sick Nick are hanging out fishing together and Nick reveals, “If I don’t win Immunity tomorrow I think I’m a goner.” Then in an interview he says “Winning IC is important to stay alive cause it looks like everybody is voting on tribal lines at this point.” TREE MAIL!!!!! A stump, a rope and a stick are all stuffed in the mailbox and the Survivors gather around to decipher the sonnet..... Nick may be dying But he sure needs to win Without that dumb necklace It’s Duh-ree-toes for him. So balance that thought You must be light on your toes be prepared to be laughed at by the jerks at Survivor Blows Okay, I know that sucked so just shut up. Today’s challenge is a balancing/tug-o-war/log rolling type thingie where the Survivor’s will battle in heats on three sets of obstacles. In the first round, the two competing Survivors stand on a sturdy log stump, connected by a long rope and try and pull and/or induce their opponent to lose their balance and fall off. The second round has the survivors standing on an un-sturdy shaky board and trying to get the other to fall off. The final round has each finalist standing on a very un-sturdy wooden platform and doing the rope trick thing again until one falls off and Nick is officially the winner. Oh sorry, did I just give that away...not really considering that Burn-it has been using his patented foreshadowing to basically hit us over the head with the notion that SickNick needs immunity or he is good as gone.....so you know that shock of all shocks, Nick is gonna win immunity. KKK vs KJ in round one and KJ proves to be the surprise winner when KKK loses his balance and falls face first into the Herbert River. Scerri vs Sick Nick and as Scerri grabs the rope and eyes the loop for her hand she asks Jiffy Probe, “Do we have to put our wrists in this thing?” The Colbster can’t resist screaming from the banks of shore, “Put your neck in it instead.” Scerri flashes him a dirty look and then gets dumped into the river by Sick Nick. The Colbster easily disposes of Benedict Tina.....and then the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Lizliz vs Lamber. As Lamber secures the rope around her wrist, Lizliz pulls out her seldom seen luxury item, a can of whipped cream. Balancing each other delicately, Lizliz and Lamber stand fact to face on the same stump as they wrap the rope around each other. Slowly, Lizliz applies whipped cream in a circle around Lamber’s exposed naval. Lamber sighs in anticipation as Lizliz inches her tongue closer and closer.................alright, I’m sorry, my imagination got away from me for a second there. Anyway, Lamber won, Lizliz fell into the water. Round two features the Colbster vs Kentucky Joe. KJ actually puts up a spirited fight before falling off the shaky board. Lamber misinterprets the instructions and thinks she is in a “Do the twist” dance competition, which makes it quite easy for Sick Nick to deliver the fatal shake to the shaky board, but not before we get a great and completely unnecessary underwater crotch shot of the two combatants. In the finals, Sick Nick nearly falls off first before regaining his balance. The Colbster is from Texas so it is not unusual for him to be pulling on a rope with a black man attached to the other end of it, but he is slightly confused cause back home, the black guy is usually either hanging from a tree or attached to the bumper of his pick-up truck. This momentary confusion is all the window of opportunity Sick Nick needs as he manages to get all of the slack in the rope which forces the Colbster to lean just a tad to far over the edge...and the rest is academic as Sick Nick lives to be ridiculed for another week. Now the best part of the show, the part where Burn-it makes it look like someone is getting the boot when they’re really not. Today’s target of mis-directional editing is Lizliz. Says Scerri, “It was decided by Ogawhore that Lizliz is the next to go.” KJ and Lizliz console each other, “It could be me or you”, KJ tells Lizliz. Lizliz confronts BT down by the river... LL: You guys are pretty much in control, but my next vote would be for Scerri. BT: “But we have to vote you or KJ off because that’s the safe thing to do.” Later on that day, the brain trust of Ogawhore, KKK, BT and The Colbster lay in the war room discussing today’s vote. KKK: “There is one other alternative. We can eliminate Scerri” C: “KKK, I’m sorry but were talking about a lot of money here.” KKK: “We can still get rid of Scerri collectively.” C: “Why would you even allow that possibility to come to fruition when we’ve got an opportunity to keep things going as they are right now, and then get rid of Scerri eventually. I can’t imagine getting rid of Lizliz instead of her, but it’s the right move.” BT didn’t say a word, but by the way she was looking at the Colbster you could tell that she had to realize that by the way the Colbster argued so emotionally, he was definitely planning on screwing over BT and KKK when they reached the final five. And now, off to Tribal Council..... JP asks Scerri if she is surprised by the way she has acted in the Outback. She responds, “Not really, I’ve always been a miserable, moody b!tch with no friends, so why should I be surprised with the way I’ve acted? That’s a pretty stupid question.” Lizliz looks on and rolls her eyes in disgust. JP asks Lizliz how she feels about being a target. Lizliz uses the old “when you assume you make an ass out of you and me” line and now it’s time to vote. We see that Kucha is voting for Scerri while Scerri and Lamber voted for Lizliz. Lamber explains that it is a hard vote but, “I made a word with my original tribe and I want to stick to my word.” Made a word???? Where, in your Betty Crocker Easy-Bake Oven? Idiot! We don’t see BT, KKK’s or the Colbster’s vote, so you know what’s gonna happen next...oh, I’m getting so excited! JP reads the votes.... First vote is for Lizliz and she frowns as she begins to accept her fate. After five votes the score is a predictable 3-2 in favor of Scerri...okay, nothing to get excited about, that’s just the three Kucha votes...from here on out it will be all Lizliz, right??? JP turns over the fourth vote and 5, 4, 3, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES..........YES!!! Say good-bye b!tch! As the 5th and deciding vote is read, Lizliz gets a look on her face like she finally just figured out “algebra” as the light bulb turns on to the fact that she might not be leaving this game as quickly as she thought. “Checkmate, you guys got me,” says the queen b!tch as she gets her torch snuffed by JP. Checkmate, are you kidding me?? Don’t insult the game of chess by equating that crap you called a strategy into a chess match. Try something a little more appropriate...like “Uno!” Next week on Survivor, everyone is hungry and Burn-it gives them some rice in exchange for their first born. Scerri’s final words are........aw, fvck her and her last words, she got enough screen time as it is this season, let’s just all be thankful that she’s gone.