SURVIVOR II EPISODE SUMMARIES
Episode 6 Summary - By 'shakes the clown' EPISODE #6: A SALUTE TO HOLLYWOOD SURVIVOR BRINGS YOU......A SALUTE TO HOLLYWOOD Tonight on a very special Survivor the cast takes an introspective look at some of cinema’s finest moments in an hour long tribute to Hollywood. The show will feature all of your favorite Survivor players as they give us their interpretation and artistic re-enactment of classic moments of the silver screen. So sit back, grab yourself a tub of chicken feed and some Milk Duds and get ready for.............A SALUTE TO HOLLYWOOD! ACT I “The River” Starring Mel Gibson and Sissy Spacek this heartwarming middle America drama followed the hardships of a farming family as they battled storms and floods in an attempt to save the farm. Tonight’s scene focuses on the arrival of the storm and the profound realization by our courageous cast that rain=bad. Come, see what I mean. When we last left our intrepid KuchaKids they were in the process of voting Smelli out of the tribe. Showing great solidarity, the KuchaKids voted unanimously in disposing of their extremely annoying tribemate (although one of the members actually suggested that instead of voting her off, they stab her several time with a hunting knife and then smear her blood all over each others’ faces.....gee, I wonder who’s vote that was??) As they left Tribal Council, they were met by a torrential downpour that seemed to follow them like the cloud of dust that follows Pigpen from “Peanuts”, as the remaining KuchaKids hiked back to the comforts of their camp. When they arrived at the farm, errr I mean camp, they were disturbed to find that the rain had put out their fire and had begun to soak and drip through the ceiling of their shelter. In an interview, Kentucky Joe, who will be playing the role of Mel Gibson, vowed never to wear his jammies to tribal council again....sleeping in his wet jammies brought him back to a time long ago when sleeping in wet jammies was an all too common occurrence for ole’ Kentucky Joe, and the rubber sheets that lined his bed made him the subject of constant ridicule around the family dinner table. It’s times like these that we call upon our greatest poets and philosophers to so eloquently put into words the dramatic plights of our common suffering. Since Mark Burnett couldn’t convince CBS to increase the budget to include said poet and philosopher, we will have to make do with Lizliz, who will be playing the role of Sissy Spacek...”When it rains here it means that you are cold at night, you don’t sleep. Rain is.....wet. There’s nothing worse. Being cold is guaranteed at night, but with rain...stick a fork in me.” With that last comment Psycho-Michael immediately ran out to the supply chest and began rummaging through it in a desperate attempt to find a fork, or anything sharp he could stab her with. DAY 16 Still in the KuchaKid camp, we are awoken to the sight and sound of Psycho-Michael building a fire, and unfortunately, talking...”..my outlook on life has changed 180 degrees. I’m a changed man already after 16 days and if I last another 16 days, who knows.” Uhm Mike, hate to ruin the moment but don’t count on it. Next we hear Chocolat Chyna, Vermin and the black guy who’s name escapes me talking about the upcoming merger and the changing dynamics of the game. The black guy explains how the pressure is on the other tribe to win the next Immunity challenge and to demonstrate the lack of pressure he is feeling he spends the morning turning the travoy into a lawn chair. I’m telling you, between the lawn chair, the breakfast nook and the patio furniture this black fella is becoming the Martha Stewart of Survivor. Vermin lets us know what a cocky bastard he is in case there’s still 2 or 3 people out there who haven’t figured it out yet...”We are a very cocky group. It’s fun to beat them and then make fun of it. It’s fun to have them talk about how hungry they are and us go in there and win all their food. That’s fun!” As he’s talking we see footage of the KuchaKids preparing yet another five star meal of chicken, pork, soup and rice. Which brings us to a perfect opportunity for a patented Mark Burnett ironic seguay into the Ogawhore camp and their (lack of) food situation. ACT II “9 ½ Weeks” Starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger, this erotic thriller gave audiences world wide a whole new way of looking at produce. Mickey Rourke’s character will be played by the Colbster while Kim Bassinger will be played by, who else, aspiring actress and accomplished b!tch, Scerri. Scerri and her lone minion Lamber are sitting in the tent lamenting about how hungry they are. Said Scerri, “I just at some point have to get my hands on some chocolate. I fear at some point I might go psycho and I’m not kidding.” No way, you psycho...c’mon, stop fooling around. Scerri explains in an interview how eating chocolate is basically the same thing as having sex and how she wants to “each some chocolate wink-wink” with the Colbster. Well, apparently someone gave the Colbster the wrong script cause he thinks he’s playing Mickey Rourke in “The Pope Of Greenwich Village” as he basically tells Scerri to go ##### herself. Scerri, of course, has a different take on why the Colbster is resisting her like she’s got the Ebola Virus...”I think Colby’s afraid of me cause this fantasy I’m having about chocolate and sex is definitely about him.” Of course anyone who saw her whore her way through her appearance on “Blind Date” this week realizes that the fantasy is about ANY guy that is within clawing distance, and considering the only other male in her tribe (Kan-Kook-Keith) would rather bury her in the woods than touch her, that leaves the Colbster as the only option. She could’ve probably had Bitchell, but resisted for fear that he might break in half if touched. Well, the Colbster, in summing up his position managed to dethrone Benedict Tina/Duh-ree-toes with the best product placement quote of the show thus far, “I may be a lot of things but I ain’t no Hershey Bar.” Scerri and Lamber lay around in the tent and scream out the names of food products while Scerri beats on her bongo drum. Scerri: “Snickers Bar!” Lamber: “Peppermint Patties!” Scerri: “Vanilla Ice Cream with Hot Fudge!” Lamber: “Meatball Subs!” Scerri: “Oh, I love those!” Sorority girl Lamber shows us the true depth of her idiocy as she cracks up over the notion of a meatball sub while outside the tent an annoyed Colbster has had just about enough, “This is ridiculous man, its driving me nuts! Bring on Kucha and get rid of these goons, this is crazy!” ACT III “Chicken Run” meets “Traffic” In a bold artistic move, the KuchaKids decide to create a scene combining elements from two hit movies from the last year. Chicken Run is the cute claymation story about a pack of determined hens and one wild and wacky rooster as they race against time to escape from the prison-style farm before they are all turned into pot-pies by the evil and sadistic farmer. Traffic is a sprawling epic film that covers the drug epidemic from the perspective of the common crackwhore all the way to that of a Washington lawmaker. This is what happens when the two films are fused together.... At the Kucha camp, Chocolat, Lizliz and Kentucky Joe have stumbled upon one of the farming industries little known secrets....that chicken feed, when prepared properly, has many of the same properties as marijuana and will produce a “high” when ingested through either eating or smoking. Lizliz and Chocolat immediately catch a buzz while Psycho-Michael shows us his “experience” in this department by expertly de-seeding the chicken feed with the top of the Target Box from last weeks reward challenge. Psycho-Michael burns his hand slightly trying to cook the chicken feed as Burnett once again waves his magic wand of foreshadowing over the participants. After smoking enough of the stuff, the KuchaKids start to hallucinate that the chicken feed has turned into popcorn. Psycho-Michael once again burns himself by getting too close to the fire....hello hint, as in take one. Jesus, what’s it gonna take to keep this guy away from the fire...hmmm, I wonder. A stoned Vermin has this to say about the Kucha discovery, “I don’t know about this chicken, pot, feed whatever. I just, dude I don’t know but it’s good. The whole thought of eating chicken feed made me sick, but the more I eat it the better it gets.” What’s this? Nothing bad to say about somebody? He must be stoned. In an interview, Chocolat Chyna explains the instantly addictive nature of the potent feed, “Dude, forget it. We are now addicted its so good. We wake up in the morning dude, with a bad case of the shakes so we make it right away and then we smoke some more after breakfast dude, and then we mainline some after lunch just to take the edge off and then, of course, we munch some before we go to bed, but other than those times we really don’t use it that much. As long as we stay cool and respect the stash and no one tries fixing by themselves we should be alright.” ACT IV “Fried Green Tomatoes” A slick piece of film making, Kathy Bates plays a woman from the Deep South who is trapped between loveless marriage and her own overwhelming insecurities. Visiting a nursing home, she meets an elderly woman played by screen legend Jessica Tandy. Through stories of her youth of 60 years prior, Tandy is able to teach Bates to be a stronger woman. Tandy will be played by former Southern Belle Benedict Tina, Bates will be played by none other than aspiring actress Scerri and the role of the abusive husband will be played by KKK. In an interview KKK lets us know that Scerri and Lamber went off into the wood to pick some tomatoes so she could make fried green tomatoes. Did I miss something? I didn’t know this show came with a garden. Talk about hardcore surviving. These guys are really roughing it. What’s next on this show, a team of paramedics shows up? Anyway, back to the tomatoes.....KKK goes on to explain that you can’t make FGT with cherry tomatoes, so of course, Scerri comes back with cherry tomatoes. Actually, calling them cherry tomatoes is a huge disservice to cherry tomatoes everywhere...those things looked like Brussel Sprouts that were the size of marbles....and they looked to be about as hard as Scerri’s nipples in a chocolate shoppe. KKK agrees, “I say leave them on the vine maybe another day and they would have been nice and juicy and ready to eat.....but, it doesn’t look like that is gonna happen.” Scerri senses KKK’s displeasure and starts Scerri vs KKK Round #78, Scerri: “It would help if you weren’t quite so pessimistic about ideas other people had that weren’t your own” KKK: “I wasn’t being pessimistic.” Scerri: “Yes you were” KKK: “Shut the ##### up you stupid #####!” And suddenly KKK leapt across the fire and delivered a vicious elbow to Scerri’s jaw, sending her crashing to the ground. KKK quickly straddled her, pinning her arms under his legs so she couldn’t move. He then reached out and grabbed the paella pan from the middle of the fire scattering the simmering fried green tomato pellets in every direction. Ignoring the heat radiating from the handle, KKK, grinning maniacally, placed the pan firmly against the left side of Scerri’s face. The smell of scalding hair and melting skin made Benedict Tina think of Michael Jackson’s ill-fated Pepsi commercial and wonder if now would be an inappropriate time try and reclaim her product placement crown from the Colbster. Ok fine, none of that really happened, but a guy can dream, can’t he? KKK and Scerri went at it for a while and then she once again insulted his ability to cook rice. BT finally lost it and screamed, “STOP IT BOTH OF YOU OR YOU’RE GOING TO TIMEOUT!” The FGT’s make KKK’s rice look like the finest of caviar and KKK makes sure to talk to BT about it. BT stares off w/o replying as she ponders how many knifes she is going to need to stab all these @ssholes in the back. DAY 17 ACT V “At First Sight” Val Kilmer plays a blind guy who gets an operation that restores his vision. He must deal with a changed world and many challenges, but none more challenging than falling in love with a woman who is played by Mira Sorvino. The two tribes combined on this one to give us an interesting twist on the story. Instead of going from blind to seeing, the tribes went from being able to see to suddenly being blind and what changes might await them. That wasn’t exciting enough so they spiced it up with an obstacle course that kind of resembled the chess match from “Alice in Wonderland” with the players sitting high above the action and barking orders to the real-life game pieces. The scene starts with the obligatory fetching of the tree mail accompanied by the overplayed reaction by the Survivor who does the fetching. For this episode, that role was played beautifully by Scerri and her lap dg, Lamber. Scerri reads the annoying sonnet out loud to Lamber...today’s reward challenge prize is a picnic. Scerri can barely contain herself as she goes running back to the camp with the news....Lamber trails behind, trying desperately to keep her top from falling off causing millions of male Americans to wake up and actually pay attention to what has otherwise been a typically excruciatingly boring episode. Lamber succeeds in keeping her naked breasts off of primetime, thus strengthening her post-Survivor bargaining position with the likes of Playboy, Hustler and Swank. Scerri and Lamber continue to scream the news of the picnic prize to everybody within a 35 mile radius....Burnett must sense how annoying this is and immediately switches is to the user-friendly KuchaKids. The KuchaKids are also disseminating the mail, although they manage to do it without yelling and screaming like a bunch of 10 year old girls. The black guy interprets the challenge correctly to mean that one person will be in charge of directing the rest of his blinded tribemates. Then, to demonstrate just why they are the New York Yankees of Survivor challenges, the KuchaKids don their blindfolds while the black guy leads them through a series of practice runs. While on the other side of the sound stage, the Ogawhore LA Clippers warm up by having a yoga session on the beach....all we need now is a Denise Austin appearance and Survivor will have officially become ESPN2. Scerri realizes how pathetic her tribe is and hints in an interview that it would be nice if Kucha would just throw the challenge and let them have the food. Of course, Scerri is the expert on being nice, right? As Ogawhore walks to the challenge, Scerri and Lamber are still screaming “Picnic!!!” over and over again. The Colbster clinches his fists as he wonders to himself if public opinion would be in his favor if he turned around and gave Scerri a swift southern-style backhand across her ever-open mouth. REWARD CHALLENGE Jiffy Probe greets our beloved media=whores at Survivor’s version of a “human chess set” with a teaser of today’s picnic reward, 2 duh-ree-toes and half a can of Mountain Dew. WOW!!! You call that a picnic?? Last I checked a picnic comes with sandwiches, salads, and a dessert.....Duh-ree-toes and the Dew, that’s not a picnic, that’s something you pick up at the Circle K to eat in your car as your driving on the Tollway. Well anyway, the whores don’t seem to mind as they take turns taking bites out of the lone Duh-ree-toe. I, on the other hand, feel a twinge of guilt as I think about the half a pizza I just threw away cause I was too lazy to wrap it in foil and put it in the fridge. Much moaning and groaning ensues as Lamber takes a swig of Mountain Dew and moans, “Oh my god, It’s so good.” which causes me to yell out (even though I’m home alone) “If I had a dollar for every time some girl said that to me.......................I’d actually probably owe somebody money.” Jiffy Probe explains the rules: One member of each tribe sits high above the playing field while the rest of the tribe is blindfolded.....the seated member must scream instruction to his tribe as they attempt a series of tasks which include lifting up a couple of logs, making a balloon animal and then drowning it in the lake, filling up several buckets of water and using them to wash Kimmi, and finally, carrying a picnic basket filled with venomous snakes and placing it on a table. The tribes choose the black guy and Scerri to be the seated ones, the black guy because sitting around is his best skill and Scerri b/c that b!tch ALWAYS has to be doing everything and her tribe is obviously to tired too fight her anymore. From the get-go its obvious that the black guy is better at this than Scerri....the black guy calmly yells out clear and concise instructions while Scerri screams like a banshee. Kucha completes the log task with ease while the Ogawhores get so frustrated that Lamber and KKK try sneaking off into the bushes together to do the dew, if you know what I mean. Scerri will have none of that since her contract guarantees her the first on-camera sex scene so she screams at them until she succeeds in ruining the mood so KKK and Lamber go back to the challenge. The Kucha kids move brilliantly through the balloon animal challenge, but Ogawhore struggles as the Colbster tries the ever-tricky Octopus balloon and one of the tentacles gets wrapped around the table and stuck. It looks like yet another Kucha blowout, but somehow Ogawhore grabs the lead going into the water portion of the course. Ogawhore manages to wash Kimmi first and has a big lead going into the picnic basket portion of the challenge. Lamber grabs the basket and all she has to do is walk 10 feet to her right to put it on the table and win the challenge, but she is too insecure to be THAT far away from Scerri so instead of going to the table she walks right up to Scerri and decides to hang out. Scerri screams at her and uses every ounce of her will power to resist clubbing her over the head for being so stupid. Lamber regroups and walks 10 feet backwards until she is 2 FEET away from the table....while Kucha is just picking up their basket....Ogawhore’s gonna win, right??? Uhmmm, no. Lamber can’t quite figure out the difference between right and left as Kucha swoops in and steals the victory. Lamber lifts up her blindfold and realizes how close she was and how much she fuccked up, so of course she starts crying as I scream yet again at the TV, “Those aren’t tears of joy now, are they ya stupid #####!” Much celebration ensues as Kucha celebrates yet another challenge victory. While on the loser’s side, the Colbster reaches his breaking point and douses Scerri with a bucket of water as she sits high above on her perch. 20 minutes later, Lizliz still hasn’t figured out how to take off her blindfold so the black guy gives her a hand as the rest of the tribe satisfies their Chicken feed induced case of the munchies with a bag of Duh-ree-toes. DAY 18 Ogawhore tribe...still hungry. KKK builds a fire as the rest of the tribe discusses the importance of today’s “scheduled” Immunity Challenge. BT and Lamber are under the impression that a loss would signal the end of the Ogawhore tribe. Said Lamber, as the smoke from the fire drifted into her face (are you watching Mike?) “If we lose the challenge today that means that we will be down uhmm, let’s see, 2+2 carry the remainder, uhmmm, I don’t know, maybe 6-4 and then the other tribe will probably pick us off one by one.” The Colbster has a different outlook on things, “I don’t think it’s over at all. I’m certainly not going to sit around and wait to be picked off by Kucha.” In an interview, Scerri explains why she has decided to go for a walk and get away from the tribe, “ The Colbster already told me that if I talk to him one more time he’s gonna beat worse tha Ike used to beat Tina, and BT and Lamber are talking about college so I can’t be part of that conversation since I still haven’t passed my G.E.D. so I think I’m just gonna go hang out alone in the woods with all my friends.” By the way, did anyone see her on “Blind Date” when she told her date that she really didn’t have any friends? I was like, NO WAY!!! Scerri, laying splattered across a rock like the bird sh!t that she is, explains how she plans to attack the merge, “I see it as a chance to finagle my way into the other tribe a bit and mix things up and freak some people out. If they’re gonna pick us off one by one I’m gonna at least cause a little ruckus on the way down. I’m gonna wreak a little havoc.” Hold on. let’s plug in the Scerri-Decoder and see what she really meant....okay, here it is, “I’m a fuccking ##### and I can’t stop myself from being the most hated person in the room wherever I go.” ACT VI “Cheech and Chongs’ Up in Smoke” Much like all of their movies, this film features the comic duo in yet another dope-filled romp where the plot revolves around one thing and one thing only, getting high all day long. For this challenging scene the KuchaKids have elected Psycho-Michael to play the role of Cheech while the black guy will play Chong. Psycho-Michael brings in a couple of fish for dinner and, OH MY GOD, he forgot to thank Jesus for the fish....I wonder if this might come back to haunt him? Kentucky Joe prepares the fish while Psycho-Michael loads up the 3-foot bong with a bowl of chicken feed. All is calm at KampKucha as Lizliz naps in the lawn furniture and Vermin tends to the laundry...I immediately jump out of my chair and scream at the TV, "Vermin, don't forget to wash Charlie's socks or its gonna cost the team $10,000!!!" Oh wait, wrong show..sorry about that, now where was I...oh yeah all was calm and then, all of the sudden, we hear screaming. Psycho-Michael fell in the fire, or maybe God pushed him, who knows it all happened so quick. Panic erupts as Pyscho, obviously in pain, runs and dives into the water to cool his burns. Psycho reconstructs the accident for his concerned tribemates, “ I was trying to light the bong in the fire at the same time I was taking a swig of an ice cold Mountain Dew when I just got the biggest case of brain freeze, man. Dude, I took a huge hit and totally passed out and fell right in the middle of the fire.” Mike shows us his hands which have layers of skin hanging off of them as he lets out scream after scream after scream as he withers in agony. Vermin and the black guy look genuinely concerned and Lizliz goes out into the water to offer Mike encouragement. The black guy explains to Kentucy Joe what happened, “Old dude, I was sitting there munching on chicken feed and I saw him just like, light the bong and I was like, Hey man are you gonna pass that or what? And then he just fell right into the fire and started thrashing around for like a minute and I was like, far out that is so tripping, and I was gonna help him, but like, you know, we only have one lawn chair and if you snooze you lose, so there was NO WAY I was gonna give up my phat lazy-boy.” The Survivor medics arrive and immediately shoot Mike up with about 8000 milligrams of pain killers and then they wrap his hands in Bounty, the quicker picker upper, in yet another shameless product placement. The medics help Psycho-Michael walk to the stretcher as Kentucy Joe gets behind him, places both hands on Mike's hips and, from the looks of it and I watched it several times, he tries to start a congo line. They bring him to the medic tent, which is apparently about 20 feet from KampKucha (surviving, my ass). As the medics carry him on a stretcher to the waiting helicopter, a completely drugged out Psycho-Michael starts to babble incoherently about how much “I love you guys!” Burnett jumps in and informs Mike that “we aren’t doing Bud Lite plugs until Episode #10 so kindly shut up.” As Mike is loaded into the chopper Lizliz shouts out, “You’re good Mike!” and I’m stuck thinking, “good at what, falling in the fricken fire...that’s quite an accomplishment.” Psycho finishes his survivor career by playing a mean game of Romper Room...”I see Rodger and Alicia. I see Lizliz.” As the chopper takes off the remaining KuchaKids waive goodbye as if they are watching a cruise ship disembark from port. And then, the inevitable crying from Lizliz. Chocolat covers her face so America won’t see her smiling at the thought of one less person to compete against. ACT VII “A Message in a Bottle” In this overdone, melodramatic Kevin Costner vehicle, Robin Wright-Penn finds a message in a bottle and seeks out its author. Very boring. As usual, the female lead will be played by aspiring actress Scerri. Scerri, of course, runs to get the latest tree mail...showing a total lack of decency Burnett sticks with the rhyming thingie to explain the injury to Psycho-Michael: Michael fell in the fire His hands melted away And as a result There’s no challenge today. So, you’re off to the merge We’re all lucky, you know Cause an even tribe split Makes a much better show. Scerri delivers the news to her tribe and it takes Lamber all of 5 seconds to realize her good fortune, “So does this mean we all go to the merge instead of getting the ass kicking like we deserve? I just hope he broke a bone or two so he can’t get back into the game, that would be sweet....like a Peppermint Pattie! Or a Snickers bar!” ACT VIII “The Outsiders” This brat-pack classic, from the novel by S.E. Hinton, featured the lives and times of a family of boys who clearly grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Featuring some of cinema’s favorite leading men, this film’s all-star cast have made this a memorable and timeless picture. Here is a rundown of the cast for this scene: Ponyboy ( C Thomas Howell).................Chocolat Chyna Dallas (Matt Dillon).............................the black guy Johnny Cade (Ralph Macchio).................Psycho-Michael Darrel (Patrick Swayze).........................Kentucky Joe Sodapop (Rob Lowe)............................Lizliz Two-bit Mathews (Emilio Estevez)...........Vermin After Johnny Cade got himself burned up in a fire, the rest of the Outsiders are forced to plan for the big rumble against Ogawhore without him. In an interview, Sodapop tells us between tears that, “it’s hard to believe that that just happened. And it just really hit hard. And then for Johnny to ask to see each of us before he left, I know at one point he was like, I can’t see Sodapop, and I was like, I’m right here Johnny, I’m right here.” Darrel, the elder statesman of the clan, had this to say, “Either way, we are gonna win this thing or lose this thing as a team...were gonna do it for Johnny! What happened to Johnny might’ve brought some of them to the realization that there’s more important things, even than the million dollars.” In case we didn’t know who he was talking about we get a seguay right into an interview with Two-bit Matthews, “The rumble with Ogawhore is gonna be intense. I think Ogawhore is good people (obviously never met Scerri), but they weren’t part of what happened to Johnny, they didn’t experience it, they didn’t hear it. It sucks cause we had them, there’s no way we were losing this rumble today, and they knew that. We’re gonna kill them, were gonna eat them up and spit them out and that’s the way Johnny would want it to be. It was the last thing he said to us before he left and its exactly what were gonna do. Were gonna do it for Johnny!” As darkness falls upon KampKucha a somber mood fills the air as the Outsiders remember their beloved Johnny Cade. Darrell leads the clan in a prayer as they all hold hands, “Dear lord, we pray that you will be with Johnny as he undergoes surgery and we pray that you give the doctors the knowledge to fix those deformed stumps he used to call his hands. And dear lord, I pray that you will anoint me the new leader of this tribe and I pray that you will give Lizliz the wisdom to see past the age difference and give in to our mutual carnal lust for each other,” And there you have it, the Survivor Players in their special holiday rendition of...........A SALUTE TO HOLLYWOOD Next week on Survivor, the tribes merge and Vermin has to find a new tree to hide behind when he complains and bitches. Psycho-Michael’s final words were a cheat, they were filmed before his hands melted off, so nothing interesting to talk about there.