SURVIVOR II EPISODE SUMMARIES
Episode 4 Summary - By 'shakes the clown' EPISODE #4: THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT INTO THE CAMPFIRE? In the immortal words of Homer T. Simpson, tonight’s episode is all about “getting your come-uppins”. And this point is not so subtly driven home in the “previously on survivor” montage by our new and improved, conflict enhancing host, Roger Lodge impersonator Jiffy Probe. First we get a shot of Michael “Kill the pig, slit his throat” getting ready to teach Wilbur and Porky at thing or two about Survival….oh and of course NO shot of Michael getting ready to do some work for the benefit of his tribe would be complete without a shot of Vermin sitting next to his favorite tree engaged in a mano-y-camera bitch session. Says Vermin “..Stupid spear, I’m gonna go catch me a pig. Go get me a pig.” So, as MB hits us with yet another of his patented “foreshadowing for dummies” we get the idea that Michael will indeed “get him a pig”, although we are all secretly hoping that he instead loses his mind, sneaks up behind Vermin’s tree and drives the spear several times through the only part of Vermin’s body that seems to do any work on this show, his over-inflated lungs. Next up on the foreshadowing chopping block is the only person on this show dumber than a pig, Scarri Jerri and her big fat mouth. First we are treated to a shot of Scarri trying to impress Colby with her extensive knowledge of the menu from Bakers Square from her not so long ago days of waitressing there, which not coincidentally is the high point of Scarri’s vocational resume (although I’m sure that she’ll be able to replace that in a couple of months with a grainy, airbrushed enhanced pictorial from Swank). It seems Scarri’s got a thing for Cowboys (read: the guy who controls the swing vote at the next TC). And then the IC challenge highlights, which basically consists of Mad Dog doing her best impersonation of a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner as she tries to eat half the sand in Australia while Cowboy drags her to the finish line by her hair. And then we go to TC where Scarri, who was going through withdraw since it had been a couple of weeks since she had anything long and hard shoved down her throat, decides to compensate by opening up wide and shoving her foot so far down her throat it pops out of her ass and promptly kicks her for being so stupid. Of course I’m referring to the part where Jiffy Probe asked Scarri who her friends were in the Ogawhore tribe, and the dumb, overly-cocky wannabe didn’t even hesitate in stating that she liked everyone except Keith, Mad Dog and Tina. Even Bitchell, who is just so happy to finally be “in with the cool kids” for a change, looked a little shocked at Scarri’s asinine remarks. Lamber, on the other hand, was too happy to know that all her ass-kissing had paid off to even let the full implications of the remarks dawn on her…..or maybe she’s just too dumb to even understand what it all means…we really can’t know since she is currently neck and neck with Nick for the title of “oh, were you on that show also?” Of course we all know what happens next, Mad Dog gets tossed as the constellation Duh-ree-toes stabs her in the back with several of the triangular, sharp-pointed cheddar cheese snacks (kind of like the commercial with the supermodel if you were to replace the supermodel with a hideous ex-cop bull dike). And now, on to the show………. DAY 10: Benedict Tina and Kan-Kook-Keith are first to wake up in the morning and immediately start to get supplies ready to take the canoe out fishing. Well, Scarri, who might very well be the biggest bitch in the history of the world, decides to drag her fan club out of bed and steal the canoe right from under BT and KKK’s noses. So, Tina makes a big mistake by trying to talk to Scarri like an adult instead of the high school clique leading 14 year old that she is. BT calmly explains how her and KKK had been getting ready to take the canoe out long before Scarri was even awake,,,of course Scarri just rolls her eyes and takes the canoe anyway…what a fuccking bitch. KKK and BT decide to give up what has been a 10 day losing battle and use the opportunity to walk along the river bank so they can have a little discussion about Scarri and her fan club. KKK talks about how he’s pissed about Scarri’s comments at TC the night before. BT states how the young kids have formed a clique and how she feels like an outsider because of it…..of course her feeling like an outsider might have something to do with the fact that she had already stabbed two people in the back in less than a week. Gee, I can’t understand why no one wants to be her friend???? Then a shot of Scarri in the canoe with Bitchell and Lamber passing by BT and KKK along the bank and Scarri reveals that she had trouble containing her laughter when she stole the canoe from BT and KKK…and then in case we didn’t get the point she bursts out laughing anyway. Then she talks about how she realizes that “she might have made a mistake” with TC comments from the night before…gee, really? Scarri may be an aspiring actress but she is already an accomplished “stupid bitch”. KKK states to the camera that he didn’t; come all the way to a sound stage in Los Angeles (didn’t you guys see Capricorn One….it’s all bullshit) to get pushed around by some bartender/actress wannabe and that his goal has changed from wanting to win the million to keeping Scarri from winning at all costs. I just hope that he sticks around long enough to get a hold of Mike’s spear. The scene ends with a symbolic shot of KKK stabbing a fish through the head as the camera switches to a tight head-shot of Scarri sitting in the canoe. Damn, you sure are clever MB. Now on to the fun loving “we got spirit, we got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, we got spirit, how bout you!” Koochi-koochi-coo camp. As usual, someone is needed to play the role of “shocked survivor” as that person ventures out to the “tree-mailbox” and finds, oh my god you’re not gonna believe this, MAIL!!! Today that role is played to perfection by Kentucky Joe and Chocolat Chyna. Along with the customary rambling sonnet, the tribe is given an egg and a bird nest in yes, you guessed it, another clever bit of foreshadowing by our fearless leader, MB. As per the instructions in the “tree-mail” the Kucha kids must construct a chicken coop in order to house the chickens they will hope to win in the reward challenge. Of course, the fact that we only see the Kucha Kids preparing the coop and talking about the chickens leads the astute MB observer to believe that there is a very very good chance that Kucha is gonna win this challenge…but I get ahead of myself a little bit, so let’s slow down the pace by checking in with our favorite whiny bitch of the Kucha tribe, Vermin (anyone who thought I was gonna say Kimmi really hasn’t been watching this show since Episode #1) Vermin wants to win the chickens for one reason and one reason only…..”so Mike will quit fishing and walking around flexing his muscles and basically letting the whole tribe and 20 million Americans back home know that I really haven’t done a god damned thing since I got here compared to Mike…oh wait, I was able to point out the indigenous grass (not for smoking) to Chocolat Chyna on our ”foraging/Miss Cleo look in the future” nature walk. On to the RC! Jiffy Probe has assembled a mean game of life-size “Cracker Barrell” table puzzles for the tribes to play with (but don’t get too excited cause its not the one with the golf tees). When completed the puzzle will lay out a map detailing the location of the aforementioned chickens and the first tribe to assemble the puzzle correctly gets the opportunity to “hunt down” the flightless birds. Uhmm, call me crazy but aren’t all these challenges starting to sound a little familiar?? Maybe if MB spent more time on designing new and interesting challenges and less time wondering how he can work in this episodes 15 required sponsor mentions (Duh-ree-toes anybody?), he wouldn’t have to face the fact that “Friends” kicked his ass this week. Well, after much bitching and screaming Kucha wins (surprise), but only because Scarri wouldn’t allow any of the other Ogawhores to move any of the puzzle pieces unless she ran over and got her claws on then first. Kimmi takes over and Kucha gets their act together en route to an easy victory. After a long “hunt” the chickens are found and they are so cute with their names strung around their necks, necks which will soon find their way to a chopping block. As I watch Kimmi freak out about the care for the soon to be eaten birds I can only wonder why she didn’t take this RC as the perfect opportunity to pull a “1919 White Sox” instead of basically winning it for her tribe. I guess when it comes to challenges, the Kucha Spirit just takes over and you can’t help but “beat beat beat” the other tribe. DAY 11 Mike is waxing strategy, which of course means only one thing to him….how quickly can they eat the chickens so he can get back to stalking and killing animals as god intended him to. Mike decides that early in the morning is a perfect time to order up a bucket of X-tra Crispy and gets Rodger to help him pick out a breakfast bird. Nick, oh my god are you still on this show, catches Mike and Kentucy in the act of chickencide and convinces them that it would be best to wait for everyone to get up before deciding to kill one of the birds. Of course, Rudy the Rooster wakes everyone up in no time and sweet compassionate “I will never spell that man’s name” Lizliz decides that since Rudy is interfering with her beauty rest, he’s gonna get wacked first. So, Lizliz, Mike and Kentucky Joe convince Rudy the Rooster to go for a ride to a local coffee shop in the old El Dorado parked out back. Rudy the Rooster immediately makes the mafia rookie mistake by sitting in the front passenger seat, otherwise known as the death seat. Before Rudy can even turn to his left to ask Lizliz if the coffee shop carries Danishes, Mike, sitting directly behind Rudy, drives a shapened screw driver through the back of Rudy’s neck. That’ll teach you to fucck with Jimmy Conway. Meanwhile, across town MB freaks out as an unannounced and therefore unsponsored forest fire erupts, threatening the Ogawhore tribe. MB immediately gets on the Erickson phone and sells the rights to the fire to none other than “tough acting Tenactin”. Amber offers up her first sound bite in 2 weeks to solve an age old myth by letting us know that….” You can actually HEAR the trees falling down and burning”. I guess that answers that question once and for all about the tree falling in the woods blah blah blah. Oh wait, Amber, who judging by her lack of individuality, will ALWAYS be an administrative assistant, just spoke again…I was so shocked that I forgot to listen to what she said, but using her past audio contributions as a barometer, I’m going to skip the act of rewinding the tape and just assume it was neither important, insightful nor slightly interesting. BT decides to talk to Bitchell and Cowboy about what a bitch Scarri is…”she’s the most bossy, domineering person I’ve ever met.” BT figures that she has nothing to lose since she already stabbed the only 2 people who trusted her right in the back. Cowboy and KKK take a break in the swimming hole where KKK vents his frustration about Scarri. Colby, possibly the only person in this game under the age of 30 with an actual working brain, realizes that the Ogawhores need KKK in order to stand any chance of beating the Kuchas. KKK lets Cowboy know that he would beat him “like a Mad Dog” if he found out that Cowboy and Scarri hooked up cause “she ain’t no way good enough for.” Cowboy readily agrees with KKK that “that girl would cut your heart out in a heartbeat.” Now back to Kucha (yeah) Mike gets enough votes from the rest of the tribe (not to mention the vote he got from Jesus) in order to get the ok to kill him some chickens. Nick, always one to help suppress racial stereotypes, raves over how much he loves chicken….”once you go dark meat you’ll never go back” which prompts an OH MY GOD SHE ACTUALLY SMILED reaction from Chocolat Chyna. Back to Ogawhore (boo) Bitchell, who can barely work up the strength to raise his head out of the sand, is trying to strategize with Scarri and Lamber. They are starting to realize that it is quite possible that their little clique is falling apart. Scarri laughs in an interview how she deserves this for her pompous remark during TC (you won’t be laughing for long bitch) Lamber offers up this little bit or irony when talking about the Cowboy….”Colby can get talked into things easily, he’s not really strong in his own opinion.” WHAT!!! “Hello kettle this is Pot, you’re black.” This girl hasn’t offered up her own opinion since Day 1 about anything and she’s got the nerve to talk about Colby, oh do I hate this walking and talking puppet. It’s amazing that she can actually talk so clearly, what with Scarri’s hand shoved so far up her ass in order to reach the controls that operates Lamber’s mouth. Scarri, sensing that her clique is falling apart, decides to hunt down Colby for a little walk in the woods under the guise of a pig hunt. Scarri is shocked that Colby is able to separate the game from her blatant junior high seduction techniques and resist her charms. Damn, she wonders, where is a casting couch when you need one? Colby toys with her about leaving the clique and tells her that it’s too early in the game to be making deals with anyone. Scarri responds with, and this one’s so easy I’m not even gonna touch it, “its not like I’m asking you to make a deal with the devil.” Oh really? And now the title match we’ve all been waiting for, Mike vs. Wilbur. The scene starts with Lizliz going down to the river to , uhmmm, wash a Frisbee it looks like. Nick continues to break down racial stereotypes by lazily lounging on a rock on the other side of the river….it does make me wonder how exactly he got all the way to the other side of the river cause he’s so damn lazy there’s no way in hell he actually swam there…my guess is that the tide carried him across while he slept peacefully on the newly constructed day-bed that he built out of sticks and rocks and lined with chicken feathers. So anyway, Nick manages to raise his head out of his permanent stupor long enough to notice that a real life (and not at all completely drugged out) pig has crossed the river and made its way into the Kucha camp. Lizliz announces the find to the camp and Mike immediately springs into action, grabbing the knife and running in the direction of the stoned swine. Somehow Nick makes his way back to the right side of the river (my guess is Huck Finn gave him a ride) and decides to help Mike in the pursuit. Nick, holding a stick as protection, begs the pig, who might very well be all of 4 months old, not to charge him…god forbid that he might actually have to exert some effort to get out of the way or maybe even actually try and stop the piggy. Mike chases the pig for a few minutes until Wilbur apparently either got really bored or extremely suicidal cause he walked right up to Mike and practically grabbed the knife out of his hand and stabbed himself in the heart with it. Everyone gathers around to see the butchering of the pig and Lizliz starts to cry as Mike goes completely over the edge by spreading the pig’s blood all over his face. It’s bar-b-que time at Kucha camp as everyone (minus Kimmi of course) gathers around to have some pig-on-a-stick…..Lizliz ain’t crying no more once she gets a few bites in her…and hey, even Vermin has nothing but good things to say about the meal (of course I’m sure he immediately ran over to the nearest tree to have a private bitch session about the lack of a decent side dish). DAY 12 Back to Ogawhore….. It’s tree mail time! Another stupid poem about yet another challenge that was already done in the first series….damn, this show is getting old quick. The tribes arrive at the top of the waterfall for the IC and Jiffy Probe starts right in on Ogawhore by letting them know about Kucha’s newly opened bar-b-que shack. This challenge is one of those stupid “Survival trivia quizzes”. I’ll save you the details cause it was really boring, but basically Chocolat Chyna misses every question including her own name. It ends in a tie and Chyna and Bitchell must battle it out for the tie-breaker. Jiffy reminds Chyna how stupid she is for missing all the previous questions…..the tie breaker ends with Chyna beating Bitchell as Bitchell can barely muster up the strength to hold up his 1 pound “answer sign”…will someone please shoot this guy already and put him out of his misery…..where’s Mike when you need him? So, Kucha wins their 3rd immunity in a row and Ogawhore is off to TC. Back at Ogawhore camp, Bitchell, who might be the most worthless person ever to appear on any game show in the history of television has this bit of irony to say in a voice-over, “I’ll have plenty to say to the camera when I hold up Keith’s name, he seems to be an instigator of some problems so when he goes it will be a sigh of relief for me.” What a ridiculous asshole this guy is. Yeah, Keith’s been a big problem for the tribe with all his constant working and doing well in the challenges. Keith responds that his goal at TC is to break up the Scarri’s kids alliance. Colby doesn’t like the order in which Scarri’s kids are knocking people out of the tribe. At TC Jiffy Probe takes another opportunity to rub it in that “Kucha is kicking your ass” I laugh so hard that I forget to pay attention when Benedict Tina opens her mouth. Ok, time to vote. Scarri, Lamber and Bitchell vote for KKK while Colby, BT and KKK vote for Bitchell….so we have a tie. Jiffy informs us that we have to have a re-vote, but not before KKK and Bitchell get a chance to state their case as to why they should stay and the other should leave. KKK states that he is a hard worker, a competitor and that he will fight to the bitter end to win for the team and that “I won’t give up.” Bitchell informs everyone that it’s been fun while it lasted, but he just got a call from his agent who informed that Spielberg wants him back on the set of “Schindler’s List Part II” so he’s got to go anyway. Lamber lowers head into her lap as she realizes that she might not be going to the prom after all (maybe she can get her deposit back on the dress). Bitchell proves that he can’t even quit properly as both Scarri and Lamber refuse to let him leave the game so we have another tie. Damn Bitchell, even the pig did a better job of committing suicide than you did. So, after yet another tie we are informed that, according to the age old rules of Survivor the tallest, weakest person loses the tie breaker so sorry Bitchell but there’ll be no Showcase Showdown for you! That’s the end of the show, but of course we still have to hear Bitchell’s final words and see previews for next weeks show. Bitchell has nothing interesting to say other than that he was shocked that his total lack of productivity coupled with his piss poor attitude got his ass voted off the tribe....and in the previews we see that Chocolat Chyna gets all “gangsta” on Kimmi about the chickens…who cares?