SURVIVOR II EPISODE SUMMARIES
Finale & Reunion Show Summary - By 'shakes the clown' EPISODE #14: The Art Of Snore THE ART OF SNORE Alright boys and girls, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for....the final summary of the season. I’m feeling a lot of pressure right about now cause this is the big one, the three hour season finale....so naturally, I want to make this summary bigger and better than all the rest. There’s just one problem though......this was without a doubt the most boring, uneventful waste of television since Geraldo went searching for Al Capone’s secret vault...the only thing Geraldo found was an empty antique soda bottle....which was still twice as exciting as the crap that went on Thursday night. I’m telling you, I haven’t been this letdown since I accidentally clicked on the wrong box at DVDworld.com and ended up receiving the “Touched by an Angel” box-set instead of “Touched by Angel.” Basically, the first 45 minutes of this show were about the quiet reflections of the final three...and then the next 30 minutes was about the quiet reflections of the final two...talk about edge of your seat excitement! So, in honor of Mark Burn-it’s complete lack of creativity this entire summary will also be about quiet reflections...............my quiet reflections, that is. Besides, when it comes right down to it, after 13 weeks of looking at these losers I have come to the realization that my thoughts are a helluva lot more interesting than anything that might be roaming the free range and vast open plains that make up the Colbster’s mind. Additionally, because this is the last show....everything in this summary is for sale, so I hope you brought your money cause its time to begin..... Previously on.......................SURVIVOR...........well, I’m gonna skip the part where Fabio Probe (one of People’s 50 most beautiful....damn, I must be ugly) recaps every stupid thing that happened on the show up to this point...actually, that might be kind of fun, so let me sum it up as quickly as I can, starting from the beginning.... The Media-whores land in the Outback, realize they all hate Debb. Kel freaks out about being this close to good looking girls for the first time in his life and spends a little too much time in the bushes, uhmmm, thinking about it. Mad Dog ate sand, then went home. Bitchell ate nothing, then went home. The closest Kimmi came to eating meat was when Chocolat Chyna shoved her finger in her face. Psycho-Michael learned that just cause you can walk on water and then turn it into wine, doesn’t mean you can take your afternoon nap smack dab in the middle of the campfire. The tribes merged to form Baramidriff and then the show was struck with its most crippling tragedy, the departure of the only person who ever had anything even remotely interesting to say as Vermin was struck with the Curse of Kimmi and a pregnant sized craving for peanut butter. Then, Chyna was booted and received the customary parting gift T-shirt, with the following inscription, “I stood ten friggen hours on a god damned log and all I got to show for it is this lousy t-shirt”. Scerri learned that the old saying is true....”honesty is the best policy...unless you’re honestly the biggest fucking bitch in the world.” I forgot the names of the next two people who were booted, so we’ll just move on. Poor ole Kentucky Joe could’ve stayed longer and made enough money to save the family farm, but he volunteered to leave, telling Benedict Tina “I’ve got to get home anyway..I’ve got two thoroughbreds running in the Derby, the oil in the Bentley needs to be changed, and I just found out that the night before I left for the Outback I got really drunk on aged Bourbon and apparently purchased West Virginia...so, I’ve got to straighten that mess out. And then on last weeks show..... The Colbinator won yet another fixed challenge, this time winning a new car and a visit from his mom {not even gonna go there this time}...then Colbinator won his fourth Immunity challenge in a row.....ya know, this is getting pretty ridiculous.....I’m getting sick of hearing what a great competitor the Colbster is and how he deserves to win this game cause he has dominated in all of the challenges.....consider this, if I spent the whole day playing table tennis against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder and went 76-0, would that make ME a great competitor??? Of courses not. There comes a point when you gotta say, “Hey, it might be time to move up in class, maybe seek out some real competition.” What I’m saying is just because the Colbster has proven himself to be the undisputed star of the short-bus world tour, let’s not rush to anoint him the next Carl Lewis. Then, at Tribal Council Lislis found out that although crying, starving and losing your hair (not to mention every challenge) are all great attributes, they don’t add up to “Ultimate Survivor”, so she had to go. DAY 40 The morning starts with an interview where Chef-Boy-R-U-Friendless lets us in on the most honest statement of this entire series...I’m actually surprised Burn-it let this one slide past the editing bay, “This is what the 42 days are all about, its about these last three days. Everything else becomes just a product to get to this point.” Yeah, those “products” were Mountain Dew, Duh-Ree-Toes, Visa, Target, etc.. Then the Colbster talks some crap about how tough it is to live in the Outback, in case we weren’t able to figure that out in the last 14 weeks. I’ll be skipping that part, thank you very much. Benedict Tina is off on a rock writing in her journal (E-bay starting bid: $750.00). In her interview she says, “As this game is coming to an end, I have evolved. Who I started out as in this game is not who I’ve ended up as.” Gee, no kidding..looked in a mirror lately? But, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call it “evolving”, unless you like looking like a discarded slab of leather with two boiling bags of jell-o stapled to it. The Colbinator says the ususal crap about not trusting anybody....I am seriously going to fall asleep if something doesn’t happen soon.....I’m telling you, the final confrontation between Ytossi and Taheed was more exciting than this reeking pile of drek. TREE MAIL !!!!!!!!!! It’s about friggen time. Finally, something exciting to talk about! I wonder what its gonna be about??? Some death defying challenge??? Gifts from home??? A new twist in the game??? Oh, I just can’t wait! Here, let’s read the sonnet and find out.... CBS is a sham And America knows to start flipping the channels At the end of your show. Big Brother sucked And Duke won again So we’re extending Survivor til an hour past ten. Since we’ve got time to fill We’ll add a new class To your grueling schedule Of sitting on your ass So, take the whole day To whittle your wood And please talk to the camera As much as you could. Arts & fucking Crafts???!???!?? Are you kidding me? After 75 fucking weeks of this crap, this is what were left with......watching grown men and women on prime time national TV making Fruit-Loop necklaces and Popsicle stick log cabins! Great, I’m on the edge of my seat already. And here comes the funny part, from the Colbster, “When we first got the tree mail and I reading through it and it said ‘Giving back to the land’ I was intimidated by it. At first I didn’t’ know how to approach that whole project and it took a lot of time today to remember how much I’ve taken from the land.” Here Colbster, let me help you out...let’s take a look at exactly “how much” you’ve taken from Australia since you’ve been there: 1. Defaced one of the Seven Wonders of the World. 2. Turned Herbert River from blue to a permanent shade of brown by using it as a spittoon for 40 days. 3. Because of you, the Outback will now forever be known as the birthplace of “Product Placement Incest”. Ya know, I can see why you’d be a little intimidated. Says Chef-Boy-R-U-Needing-A-Haircut, “We worked on those idols all day, and we had a lot of reflection time, time to reflect on crossing the river for the first time, reflecting on catching your first fish, refle{{ ya know, I remember writing my first summary for this show...back then I actually liked this idiot. That was before I realized what an arrogant, egotistical, cliche-spitting, camera hogging, deadbeat debt dodging dad he really is. Oh hey, look at that, he’s done talking...oh well, time to move on}} Says Benedict Tina, while trying to apply the aforementioned fruit-loop necklace (E-bay starting bid: $324.00) around the neck of her idol, “I’m proud that I’m a women in the final three with two men so I wanted my idol to be feminine in her own way.” {{Shouldn’t be a problem BT, it’s already got better looking skin than you. Why don’t you graft off your right breast and make your new friend a purse....or a duffel bag.}} The Colbster is taking an axe to his idol in an effort to make a prototype for the first ever “Outback Porta-Pussy” (E-bay starting bid: $2345.00)....”I struggled with it at first and then I realized that aren’t any rules..just like this game, there are no rules, no holds barred, put sand in the bucket and take both carabiners off at the same time...it’s all good as long as you don’t get caught.” After a series of pointless and redundant nature shots, its night time around the campfire and everyone is talking about blah blah blah long journey blah blah blah last night blah blah miss my family blah blah. Chef-Boy-R-U-Getting-A lot-Of-Facetime explains how the Immunity Challenge is important. Wow, thanks for the info, buddy. And then come the commercials, thank god! The Survivors wake up and pick up where they left off, talking about how we’re reaching the end of our little voyage here. We’ll be skipping that useless crap, thank you very much. Now, comes the part of the show that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The guys and gal are informed that they have to go to the last waterfall on the river with their idols and toss them into the rapids as a gift to the land, and then they are off to their final Immunity Challenge followed immediately by a Tribal Council. Thank God, one of these losers will be leaving us soon. As they begin to depart from camp the Colbinator says in a voice-over, “I think the three of us are very emotionally attached to each other right now, and if the word love comes out of your mouth then that’s the emotion you’re feeling at that time. I don’t love the two of them like I love my family.....or my Outback Porta-pussy (E-bay current bid: $5230.00), but it’s still love. As the Survivors make their way along the canyon ridge, we are treated to the emotionally charged “Fallen Comrades” section of the show, along with slow motion montages of all of our forgotten media-whores. There’s Debb, remember her? And look, she’s still trying to build that fire. Debb, you may not be able to start a fire in the Outback, but you’ve started one in all of our hearts. And look at Captain Kel, flashing his pearly whites and flexing his muscular frame as he runs into camp with the fishing net (empty of course). Kel, you may not have been able to catch a fish, but you sure caught the sympathy of America for your unjust ouster. OMG <click> I think I need a tissue. And look, there’s Manuel, skydiving for the very first time. If only he had that one night in Paris..... Alright, I think you get the point, so we’ll just move right along. After much much delay they finally arrive at the last waterfall where they are greeted by Jiffy Probe. JP tells them to take their idols and find a quiet spot and just reflect on their time in the Outback, and then to throw their idols (not sold as a set) into the river as an offer to the Gods or some crap like that. Great, more quiet reflection time. Chef-Boy-Is-Your-Time-Up starts us off, “In the last five days I’ve realized that this is not really about the money anymo{{that’s good, cause you haaave absolutely ZERO chance of getting it...and besides, even if you did win, you owe twice that much to creditors so what do you care}} BT is next up, “The Outback has taught me the val{{you know what I hate more than anything.....the inevitable green potato chip...how and why does that happen and why is there always one hiding in every bag....honestly, I’d rather eat that thing BT puked up at the IC #2 than let a green potato chip pass my lips and that’s no funnin’}} And then the Colbinator opens up the barnyard gate to his mind for us to have a look-see, “That’s what making these idols is about, so we apprec{{I have a question for everybody. Who do you think is more fucked up, the kid in grammar school who eats his dessert first at lunch everyday...or me, cause watching that kid do that everyday actually and honestly really freaked me out?}} Then, after their done realizing what great people they’ve become, they throw their idols into the river. WHAT!!!!???!! Are you guys crazy, those things will fetch thousands on E-bay! Burn-it better have had someone waiting downstream with a net (preferably not Kel) to fish those things out. Alright, after 40 minutes of, uhmmm, I actually have no idea what the previous 40 minutes were about. So, whatever, the good news is that its time for the Immunity Challenge and Tribal Council combo with fries. The Jury comes strolling in and JP informs the final threesome that the final IC is gonna be that stupid “Survivor trivia” game from last season, remember the one where Rich lost cause he didn’t know who Sonja was, let alone what the hell her last name was. Each Survivor is given a pictionary board to write their responses to the twelve question quiz. So, lets begin... 1. Which Survivor would be the one to tell you, “Hi, my name is Alicia”? BT: Alicia Colbster: Alicia Chef: Bob JP: “Sorry Chef, but the correct answer was Alicia.” Chef: “That’s what I meant! I just wrote Bob to check the balance...c’mon, give me half credit.” 2. What town is Rodger from? BT: Crittenden Colbster: Crittendon Chef: The South JP: “Sorry Chef, but we asked what town he was from, not what region of the Country he lived in.” Chef: “That’s a trick question, no fair. I’ve cooked for two presidents, ya know!” 3. Which member of Bararmidriff failed their G.E.D test three times? BT: Nick Colbster: Jeff Chef: Me JP: “Sorry guys, the correct answer was ‘all of them’ “ 4. Who spent twelve years enrolled in the Hitler Charm School located in Berlin? BT: Scerri Colbster: Scerri Chef: Scerri JP: Good job guys. Chef is now on the board. 5. Who is the person in this picture? BT: Lislis brother Colbster: Kenny Chef: some guy who has never been in my kitchen JP: “sorry Chef, but that’s wrong.” Chef: “How is that wrong? It’s true, he’s never been in my kitchen! You at least have to give me half credit.” Alright, let’s just skip ahead a little bit..... 8. Who’s short’s are these? <JP passes around a pair of stained kahki shorts for each person to examine closely> BT: Nick Colbster: Kel Chef: Bob JP: “The correct answer is Nick. Good job BT.” BT: “Thanks JP, but it was no big deal...I’d recognize the smell of Nick’s ass a mile away.” So, with three questions left BT and Colbster are tied at five apiece. 10. What college did Lislis attend? BT: Boston College Colbster: Boston College Chef: <tries to look at Bt’s paper> JP: “Chef, we need an answer.” Chef: “Uhmmm, uhmmmm.....Barber???.” JP: “Barber??? Ohhhh-kayy, we’ll just be moving on then. With two questions left, BT and the Colbster are tied at seven, Chef-Boy-Didn’t-You-Listen-To-Anyone only has one correct answer, so he’s already been eliminated with just two questions left”. Okay, they both blow question #12 so were all tied up going into the final question. This has been an all around fair challenge, who says that Burn-it was rigging or tilting the challenges to favor all-American boy Colbster? What do you people have to say for yourselves now? This one has been fair for everybody involved, except KKK who was limited by the fact that no one wanted to speak to him over the past 40 days, thereby limiting his chances to gather intel about his fellow Survivors. Alright, for all the marbles....... 13. What number, 1-10 is the Colbster thinking of right now? BT: Four Colbster: Six JP: “Six is correct! The Colbster wins yet another Immunity! The world is a safe again!” See, fair. Now its time for the moment of truth....the final three Tribal Council . The Colbster is the only person who votes in this one and it is completely up to him as to who he wants to sit next to in front of the final jury. Oh, this should be easy.....everyone, and I mean everyone, hates KKK whereas BT has been like an Outback Mom to everyone she has stabbed in the back. The Colbster can all but guarantee himself the million dollars if he boots BT. This should be a no brainer, which is good because its starting to look like the Colbster does in fact have no brain. After making his vote, JP gathers the vote-box and faces the final threesome....”Now I shall read the vote. The 14th person voted out of Survivor is Ti... WTF!!! KEITH, are you kidding me?!? What the hell was he thinking? He just gave away a million dollars, no doubt about it. This show gets dumb and dumber every week. Let’s just move along and not try and explain what just happened. Returning to camp, the Colbster and BT light some candles and settle in for a romantic evening, but instead they get caught up in the fun of lighting stuff on fire...can’t say that I blame them. In discussing their allegiance to KKK, BT explains, “I don’t think KKK could’ve made it this far on his own accord. We needed a third as part of an alliance to have a majority vote and we’ve kept KKK around for that reason.” The Colbster agrees, “He got us where we needed to be and he didn’t win a million dollars, and that’s the best part. No matter what happens, KKK did not win a million bucks.” Ouch, bet you can actually see the tension in the room at the post show party. FINAL DAY Colbster and BT start to pack up the camp for the last time. Colbster puts a boomerang (E-bay starting bid: $546.00) into a wooden box. Then a shot of the two blankets from the early “man on a stretcher” Reward Challenge (E-bay starting bid: $230.00) And then the twosome go hang out on a rock at the highest point in the Outback....suddenly, they are surrounded by Kangaroos, and although I know they aren’t violent, I openly pray they might change their minds and take advantage of the lopsided numerical advantage. But, just like everything else on this crappy show, nothing happens. As the Survivors start to burn down the camp and in the process destroy $1000's of E-bay dollars I start to wonder.........what would happen if I accidentally hit the “fast-forward” button right now? Would anyone really notice? Or care for that matter? Its not like I’m gonna miss anything! Screw it, I’m doing it and you can’t stop me........................ .........................................................OH WAIT...there’s the jury, let’s see what they have to say. Says Lamber, “I hate the feeling of having to give a million dollars to somebody. I want the million dollars!” Well ya stupid bitch maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to play this game by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when you could’ve easily won the whole fucking thing.....idiot. Scerri cackles, “I’m in a position of power again....and I like it. The two people remaining are the two people who backstabbed me about three different times. I want them to be forced to look into what they’ve become in this game vs who they claim to be in their real lives.” Excuse me??? First of all, you haven’t been in a position of power since Episode #2 and Jerky-gate. Second of all, who cares if they fucking backstabbed you...that’s what this game is about you moron. Thirdly, what exactly have they become in this game...besides winner and first runner up?? You’re the only idiot who is clearly as much of a cunt in real life as you were in the game....fucking delusional moron. Next up is Lislis, who I like less and less every time she opens her mouth.....besides Lamber, she might be the dumbest person here. TRIBAL COUNCIL Okay, you know the routine......BT and the Colbster make opening comments to the jury followed by the jury getting a chance to ask each contestant a question, and lastly final remarks and then the vote. BT’s comments were hilarious, “I’m not gonna sit here and tell you to vote for me. I will say the one thing that I hope that you don’t do is that you don’t cast your vote based on that you got your feelings hurt. I think its poor sportsmanship and I don’t think it relays who the true survivor is...it just shows that you got your feelings hurt. So, fuck you, shove it up your ass.” YEAH! You go girl! The Colbster bombed in his opening remarks, basically telling the jury that they should vote for BT instead of him. Jury Q&A Kentucky Joe’s question was idiotic. First he said that lying is a part of the game, then he asked them to identify a part of the game where they lied, and do they feel like they played the game ethically?” Uhm idiot, you just answered the question yourself by admitting that lying is part of the game....so how could it be unethical? Well, either way, BT did a great job and the Colbster broke down and admitted that he was a liar and a cheat. 1-0 BT Lamber’s question was predictably stupid, the typical “what would you do with the money?”....this question should have been eliminated cause when it comes right down to it, what you do with the money should have nothing to do with who deserves to win...but, BT wins yet again by faking some bullshit charity crap whereas the Colbster tells the truth, which costs him the question. 2-0 BT I’ll skip Lislis cause she is too dumb to deserve any more air time......and after watching the Early show the next day, let me just say that her fiancé is the splitting image of “Sloth” from “The Goonies”.....let’s see, the guy’s butt-ugly AND not gonna ever throw a pass in the NFL...good choice, Lislis. Chef-Boy-R-U-King-Whore somehow manages to make his whole question about himself. Who cares. Let’s just skip to the moment we’ve all been waiting for since Episode #9, the wrath of Scerri. Ohh, this is gonna be good, its gonna make Soozin’s speech look like the greeting you get from the 85 year old man who stands in the doorway at Wal-Mart. Here she comes, and she looks pissed! Here she goes......oh I can’t wait to see the fireworks.... ”Do you guys feel bad for screwing me over?” That’s it????!!??? That’s the best you can come up?? This show sucks, but BT wins yet another round by turning it around and taking a shot at Scerri for the whole Jerky-gate......The Colbster also takes a shot at Scerri by apologizing for everything EXCEPT screwing her over. BT has some nice final words, analogizing Survivor to playing Backgammon.....the Colbster follows suit by skipping his final words....what an idiot. And now, the voting....... KJ votes for Colbster....a bit if a surprise. We don’t see who Lislis votes for. Chyna votes for BT, claiming correctly that BT played the strategic part of the game the best. We don’t see KKK’s vote. Lamber: “I’m voting for N’Sync cause they rock and Justin is sooo hot!!! GO N’SYNC YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!! Scerri votes for BT. JP gathers the votes and announces that the votes will be sealed (yeah right) and opened on the live show in Los Angeles. Then gathering the vote-box, he hops into a waiting helicopter and disappears into the darkness of the Outback sky. Lislis stands on top of her stool, waving frantically to the passing helicopter and screams, “WE LOVE YOU MIKE!! GO KUCHA!” We return from commercials to a horrific sight......the live Tribal Council set from LA, everything is the same as the Outback except for a couple of subtle differences...first of all, the Colbster is wearing that body suit that Martin Lawrence had to wear in “Big Momma’s House” and BT has even more cosmetic surgery than she did the last time we saw her...from the looks of it, she has become a marsupial. Geez Tina, couldn’t you have just gotten a tattoo instead. BTW, word of advice, in the future, don’t let Debb apply your makeup. Ya know what, screw it...you all know who won, let’s just move on to the only part of the three hour snoozefest worth watching, the triumphant return of Debb. If you’re anything like me, the last hour of the marathon was the part of the night you were looking forward to the most. So many questions to be answered such as, would Chyna wag her finger in Smelli’s face again? Would Captain Kel finally get that apology from Scerri? Would Psycho-Michael proclaim himself to be the living proof of the existence of a higher being....all because he was dumb enough to fall face first into a fire? So, it is with great pleasure that I bring you the complete unedited transcript of the.... SURVIVOR REUNION SHOW hosted by Bryant Dumbel BD: I’d like to welcome the whole cast.....but, let’s start right in with the obvious question. Colbster, why are you so fucking stupid.....cause if I, Bryant Dumbel, was there in your shoes....I’d be a millionaire right now...and I’m Bryant Dumbel. Colbster: Well Bry, after making it into the final three I called my agents at IMG...they transferred me to their PR guy...and the PR guy told me that I could get a lot more mileage out of “doing the nice thing” than I could out of the million dollars, so the choice was really quite simple. BD: Wow, that’s fascinating, but not half as fascinating as me, Bryant Dumbel. Now let’s talk to some of those losers in the back row. Nick, why’d ya vote for the Colbster? Nick: Yo dog, slike da Colbster wuz straight butta, Ize talkins mo’ bling-bling than you can sling sling baby....dope like a muddafudda. Slike dis one day, back in da hood, me and da Colbster weeze wuz sittin by da rivah, drinking 40's, and we conversated, all da day long wuz weeze conversatin....and it wuz good, good like a muddafucka. BD: Lamber, why’d you vote for the Colbster? Lamber: Well, I was like thinking all day long about how much money I was gonna make by showing my cooter in Playboy, and I totally spaced out on deciding who to vote for. But, on the way to TC, I was thinking that the Coblster was sooooo awesome...so I just listened to my gut, which was full at the time cause for lunch I finally got a meatball sub, and it was sooo awesome and OMG <click> I love those! BD: Uhmmm, okayyyy, moving on....uhm, let’s just go to commercial, anything to add shakes? Shakes: Yeah, BT, do you think you can tuck that shit into your shorts or something, its really quite distracting, not to mention disgusting. {{hey, after writing summaries for this gay ass show every week, I decided that I deserved a seat at the reunion show, so I wrote myself into it.....complete with the oocasional smart ass comment or two}} Back from commercials, BD continues his friendly banter with the contestants... BD: KKK, isn’t it true that you were supposed to be on the original Survivor? KKK: Yep, its true, but I’m so glad I got to do this show instead cause of the lifelong bonds and closeness I have developed with the people in this room. Shakes: Closeness??? I think about ten of em were “close” to killing you after about five days in the Outback. And half of them have made fun of you in their talk show interviews. What color is the sky in your world..........mauve? BD: Psycho-Michael, now’s your chance to rationalize yet again the time you pulled a “Chevy Chase” right into the middle of the fire. Michael: <starts crying> It’s not about the money or the prizes or anything....the spiritual growth and the family growth....my wife, my kids....<gets all choked up> I hope they all get the chance to fall face first into a raging fire one day. BD: I absolutely love hearing myself talk...sometimes I can ramble on and on for hours and not say a god damned thing of importance, let alone ask an actual question. So Vermin, what was it like to be the only person on the show with a personality....and keep in mind that I’m Bryant Dumbel? Vermin: We had two tribes out there, Kucha and Ogaboring so..... Shakes: Uhm Vermin, easy on the nicknames, that’s my job. BG: Nick, still lazy? Nick: Towards the end we were so weak. You’d get up to do anything and you’d just couldn’t cause you were so weak....or at least that’s what my tribemates were saying.... I never got off my ass to do a god damned thing, so I wouldn’t know a thing about tring to stand up. Scerri: uhm, why hasn’t there been a question my way yet?!? Don’t you know who I am? What I wanted to say is that in an effort to improve my already horrid public opinion rating, I want to admit that when I watched Lislis and Nick starve on TV, I laughed like a maniacal lunatic masturbating to Saturday morning cartoons while drinking a 2-liter of Jolt Cola, straight out of the bottle. See, I’m not a mean person....I’m just honnnnnessssttt. Mad Dog: <raising her hand and slumped over and leaning against Kel cause she’s lit up like a drunken Christmas tree> Bryant, after a couple of days my stomach was shrinking, I was losing weight...I was looking good. If only I could’ve stayed there for a couple of weeks, I would be wearing a thong! applause from the audience, roars of laughter from BD...shakes is not amused BD: Bitchell, is it an unfair characteristic to say you are a spineless waste of girliness who had no business being on this show? Bitchell: No, that’s pretty much right on the money. BD: Guys, why wasn’t there any sex on the show? Don’t you have any concept of ratings points? Vermin: I was just getting to know the Colbster when I got voted out...who knows what might’ve happened if I struck around a little longer. Nick: Bryant, after two days out there, all deez ho’s was beat ta shit. Not an earner in the bunch. Mad Dog: <raising her drunken paw into the air> Bryyyy yennnt! Scerri: Well, ya’ll know I tried. Mad Dog: <taking a shot of Whiskey out of a canteen sitting next to her...I can’t believe they’re letting her drink on the show> Byyyennnt! BD: Yes Mad Dog? Mad Dog: Bryant <pauses to belch>, you know that I am a retired cop...so from day one I told those hippies that I was the prophylactic police....there were twelve condoms in the first aid kit when I got there and by golly, there were twelve when I left...minus the five I was using to distill moonshine in, of course. roaring applause from the audience and cheering from her fellow Survivors as we fade into commercials Shakes: BG, I’ve been sitting here listening to this love fest for 30 minutes now...enough is enough, let’s move onto the good stuff! BD: Go right ahead Shakes, but remember one thing.....I’m Bryant Dumbel. Shakes: Got it. Debb, after being booted off the show first, you were exposed as the incest craving, cradle robbing, butch looking, lip quivering bag of shit that sits here today.....how goes it? Debb: I didn’t want to come here today.....<lips start quivering> nobody really got a chance to know me...and, and, the press tore me apart cause I married my stepson, like there’s anything wrong with that....and <eyes start watering, oh, this is starting to get good> and I can’t stand to live another minute on this cruel and cold planet, and , and I can’t even bring myself to leave the house, which actually isn’t that big of a deal these days, what with all the cool savings and quick friendly service of www.webvan.com , sign up today! But, its all okay that I’m falling apart under all this pressure cause I’m a strong person. Shakes: Don’t sound too strong to me. But, anyway, what are you up to these days? Debb: Well, I’m still reading a lot of How-to books, such as “How to build a pipe bomb”, “How to lay down suppressing gunfire” and “How to tape a explosives to your body” It’s a new hobby of mine..........and I plan to kill you all. Wait a second, did I just say that last part out loud or just think it? BD: Captain Kel, do ya still hate Scerri? Kel: I have forgiven Scerri, but I don’t like her. massive applause from the audience Kel: She’ll never get a Christmas card from me. the sound of crickets chirping in the audience Shakes: A Christmas card??? Ohh, you sure showed her, Capt. Geez, I swear to god if you were on active duty right now, we’d all be speaking Chinese by Labor Day. Scerri: I’m a lying bitch and I know that no one is ever gonna like me. But, it sucks that Kel would still hold resentment and be hateful of the fact that I called him a liar and a cheat on national TV and then followed it up by saying it all over again on the talk show circuit. Kel: Like I said, no Christmas card for you. Shakes: Kel, how the hell did you get picked for this show? The guy from “Officer and a Gentleman” who hung himself in the shower with a belt had more guts than you do. Geez, put up a fight! Do something, you’ve been waiting for this moment for 5 months and the best you can come up with is that lame Christmas card line? Hey, I got a newsflash for ya, it wasn’t funny 3 months ago when you said it on Rosie O’Donnell and it sure as hell ain’t funny now. Mad Dog: Bryant!!! BD: <getting annoyed> ya know Mad Dog, you were voted out third, no one really gives a shit what you have to say. Mad Dog: Bryant, I just wanted to say that I was wondering.....why is it that they call a driveway a driveway even though you park on it....and they call a parkway a parkway even though you drive on it? audience offers up a polite applause Mad Dog: Thank you very much! I’m Mad Dog and I’ll be here all week! Be sure and tip your waiter on the way out. BD: Time for Round 2, Chyna vs Smelli. Chyna, any chance we can get you and Smelli to make out? Chyna: It’s all good, I mean, she’s never gonna get a Chanukah card from me, but we’re straight. back from commercials we are treated to the Colbster’s audition video complete with footage of the Colbinator forcing himself on some unsuspecting overweight freshman coed at Texas A&M BD: Alright, I’m Bryant Dumbel and I’ve run out of things to say, so let’s hear some questions from the stalkers in the audience. Fat old Guy: This question is for Kentucky Joe. KJ, congratulations from the good people of Mountain Dew Inc. proud makers of cool and refreshing Mountain Dew soda pop. Kentucky Joe, Do the Dew! Some pasty broad w/ bad hair: Lislis, I know where you live! What was your scariest encounter with wildlife in the Outback? Lislis: The Colbster’s venemous snake. Vermin: Oh, to dream.... Kel: I’m not sending a Christmas Card to Scerri. Debb: <muttering under her breath> kill you all....kill you all.....kill you all.... Chyna: I’m sorry Bryant, but I gotta get something off my chest... BD: Go ahead.. Chyna: alright, this isn’t easy to say..........Nick touched me, inappropriately. Nick: Shut up beeyatch! Yo Bryant, that bitch is trippin! Anyway, you can’t prove nothin, I wore a jimmy! Chyna: you’re a liar! A big fat liar, Taheed! I saw you kissing Alabama, down by the palm tree......and now you got the nerve to say that Taheed Jr. ain’t your’s!! Nick: Don’t make me come down there and slap the black off of ya! {{sorry, thought I’d try and load up the middle of this bloated summary with some Temptation Island “filler”....and then I realized something truly disturbing.....that show was actually more interesting than this 14 week snoozefest...pretty sad}} Some fat lady: First of all on behalf of Reebok, congrats to Benedict Tina....Reebok is a proud sponsor of Survivor, the Australian Outback. BD: Well, do you have a question for a contestant? Fat lady: Reebok? BD: Bitchell, even though we’ve already discussed this.....seriously, how much of a pussy are you? Bitchell: The biggest, I think that’s already been established...but, on a different note, I had a chance to get to know the son-fucker down at the other end of the row and let me just say, Debb is easily 10% less disgusting than she has been portrayed to be, maybe even 15%. Mad Dog: Byyyyyeentttttt! Byyyannt! BD: Chef, what was it like for you at the end? KKK: Well, it was cool cause I had a chance to reflect about the fact that nobody liked me, my wife left me, I proposed marriage to some gold-digger I met two weeks before I left for the show, my kids won’t speak to me and I owe creditors over half a million dollars....but, then I found this really quiet place on top of some hill to hide out..I’m telling you, give me some flour and my paella pan and I could live up there for months..then, let’s see those pesky bill collectors try and get a hold of me. Mad Dog: Byyyyaaannt! <takes another swig of Whiskey> Byyyy! BD: Shakes, before we go to commercial, anything to add? Shakes: Yeah.....Lislis, Lamber....menage a trois in the Green Room after the show? Lislis: You got it, clown boy! Lamber: OMG <click> I thought you’d never ask! BD: Alright then, we’re gonna take a break right here, but when we come ba... Mad Dog: BRYYYANNNT!!! BD: Like I said, we’ll be rig... Mad Dog: <stands up, nearly falling backwards off of the bleachers> BRYYYANNT!! <pulls the front of her t-shirt over her head, flashing her 85 year old shriveled animal breasts> LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! BRYANNTT! LOOK AT ME! quick cut to commercials, lessening the permanent damage caused by viewing the previous monstrosity Back from commercials BG informs us that Survivor III will be somewhere deep in the heart of Africa. I, for one, am quite excited! It should be nice to see some variety..such as, instead of rice they get Red Cross powdered milk. And when they start getting really hungry, their bellies will pop out. And the celebrity walk-on can be Sally Struthers. One of the challenges can be to recite the words to “We are The World”. Instead of falling in a fire, one of the tribes can have an Ebola Virus epidemic. One of the post-merger Immunity Challenges can be that all the Survivors have to hold a monkey in their arms, and all of the monkeys except one have AIDS, and that person gets immunity from Tribal Council and the virus. So many possibilities...... Alright, the rest of the show was as dumb as the first 50 minutes, and quite frankly I’m getting sick of writing about these idiots any longer. Basically, BT told a story about why Vermin is the only person on this show worth watching and then a drunken Mad Dog tried to give head to a bamboo tube. Well, its been a lot of fun this season writing these summaries...hope you’ve enjoyed them, and I promise to stay belligerent, rude, offensive and cruel throughout the summer...SIII, I got my eye on you.... To be continued........